Hi I'm Wesleigh, and I haven't posted on this blog in a long time, or so it seems. So hi.
Note: This is a somewhat depressing and religious post. But I promise it was written in determination and there is actually a lot of good in this post. So bear with me.
Throughout my life, as much as I would like to not acknowledge the fact, I have suffered from depression, and it sucks. While I am really a happy, life loving, passionate person, I get really down, lost, and confused, and feel an overall numbness at times.
The world is a confusing place to live. The media tells you that you should be "skinny," "have perfect hair," "be funny and witty while not being weird" "If you want to have a great body, you have to work out five times a day 7 times a week and eat only a pea sized helping," they tell you all those things and more. BUT WAIT. They also tell you that you should, "Love your body," "embrace messy hair," "be yourself", that unauthentic people are "frowned upon," and I could go on and on. They send out false images, and the billions of people on the cyber space are constantly contradicting each other and it's a really confusing place.
In the past couple of years, while being ashamed of who I was, and feeling inadequate that I have become SO obsessed with "becoming who I am" and "finding myself" and "owning my education" and TRYING to "be myself" and "making my dreams come true" that I simply forgot to ACTUALLY do those things. I became so obsessed with finding my true potential, and who I was meant to be, and where I fit in, that I lost myself somewhere among all that. I got so overwhelmed with trying to do everything that was socially acceptable and praised that I forgot that I don't actually like that stuff. While trying to find the best way to do everything, I got so confused and did the absolute worst at everything. I was so worried about being/looking perfect according to "society," and being loved, and being talented, that I forgot that I was already perfect in God's eyes, and that I was already loved by so many people, the people that really matter, and that I was already blessed with so many unique talents. It's been a strange journey it has, but it has taught me a lot.
The Wesleigh you probably know, (if you aren't a member of my family, because my family knows me pretty well) is merely a shadow of the real me.
I feel like peter pan who lost his shadow, but in this case, I'm the shadow, and the real me is out there climbing mountains and dancing through fields of wild flowers.
Though through all the pain, there has been happiness, of course there has been. How could you not be happy in this beautiful and profound world? But it is totally possible to be really happy and really down and the same time.
Right now I'm sitting at my computer and the thunder is shaking the sky outside my window, and I can't help but feeling overwhelming awe, and happiness, and sheer gratitude that I am so fortunate to live here on this earth.
I currently may not know who I am, or what my passions really are, or what I really want to do in this world. BUT. I do know that I am a daughter of God, and I am perfect in his image, because he created me and loves me so much. How sad is he, that I have not loved the wonderful person that he created, and tried to be someone else.
Note to all people in the world. You don't need to go trekking solo across the country to "find yourself'" you don't need to run off to some big city and get a tattoo and piercings to "find yourself" you don't need to, WHO YOU ARE, is already right inside of you. You don't need to find yourself, because you ARE yourself, you don't even have to try to be. You don't need to "create yourself" because God already created a perfect you, you just need to BE that person that God created.
You don't have to call yourself "introvert" because you enjoy being alone, or an "extrovert" because you thrive off time spent with people, you don't have to say that you have ADD just because you have a really active brain, you don't have to make excuses for not being the best, you don't have to say that you are a "nerd" just because you like Star Wars or reading books, you don't have to say that you are a "girly girl" just because you like to dress up sometimes and wear makeup, you don't have to say that you are a wimp or emotional because you just love a lot or feel a lot, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE UP NAMES AND EXCUSES FOR WHO YOU ARE.
I'm not an introvert, I'm not an extrovert, I don't have ADD, I'm not a nerd, nor a girly girl, nor an emotional wimp, etc. etc. I. am. Wesleigh. And I am perfectly defined by WHO I am. Just because I like one thing doesn't mean I have to just be that, I can be everything that I simply am all at once.
This has been rather confusing hasn't it. But my thoughts are confusing sometimes.
I am currently in the process of deactivating all my social media accounts that I waste my life on, this is something I've been needing to do for a long time, so I'm going mostly off the grid (with the occasional exception of email and school related purposes). And instead of going out to find myself, I'm going to go out and focus on the things that really, truly matter in life. God, others and family, and simply being Wesleigh, and just experiencing and doing as much good as I can in this life I have. And if you need to get a hold of me, good luck. :)
I wish you the best in life. I pray that you feel as much happiness as I do in life, and that you love it. And if you're going through the same thing that I've been going through, keep your head up, and stop listening to the confusing voices of the world and listen to the one that really matters, you are infinite, and perfect in every way. Focus on the positive and although in this life you will feel pain and hurt, be happy about it, because it is making you stronger. I love you and good luck with life :) Hopefully this blog doesn't get too dusty, you've been cool. Until next time. I'm out to simply be Wesleigh.
- Wesleigh
