I am

This space feels a bit dusty…it's like something you left on the top shelf of your closet, something that you knew was there but left hidden because it was no longer a part of you, but you just couldn't part with the idea that somehow…it still was. Occasionally you'd pick it up and dust it off and think about what it used to be to you. You would toy with the idea of opening it up again, but then you'd put it away and let it collect dust. 

In a way that's how I feel about this space. Writing has always been an incredible release for me. I've filled countless journals with thoughts, feelings, and ideas and over the years this was a safe space for me to spill the things I was feeling into a jumble of run-on-sentences and really bad grammar. I haven’t used this space in over three years and I feel excited about bringing back something that feels so good to me-to write and share my thoughts with everyone, or no one at all. 

A lot has changed since I last was here. In fact, I’ve been caught in a constant whirlwind of change. I’ve struggled, I’ve felt empowered, I’ve been struck down, I’ve been in the darkest places I’ve ever been, and I’ve explored so many different places and different versions of myself. Throughout all my wanderings, the most powerful lesson I’ve learned over these past few years is that I don’t need to try so hard to Be somebody, to gain the approval of others, to fit in, to find myself. All I really needed to do was just Be. To surrender to the mysteries and magic of the universe.

So, here I am. Basking in the warmth of a brand new, fresh start.

(And please don't scroll any further because the cringe can kill)

One Wild and Precious Earth

Our mother earth is magnificent and vast. Overflowing with diversity and immense beauty. As a society, we are dependent on the resources that our earth provides. We would not have the thriving economies that we have today without the resources that our earth provides. Nor would we be surrounded with all the natural wonders of our beautiful earth: no mountains to climb, no waves to surf, no forests to explore, and that would be a crying shame.

This earth we live on is truly a phenomenon and I feel so lucky to be able to soak up its overwhelming beauty in the great outdoors. This earth is not only the backbone of human civilization but it’s good for the soul. There is something about nature that is so healing, a magic that no modern medicine can compare to.

When I was three or four, I found my first love. We were inseparable, nothing could keep us apart. To my parent’s dismay, I would often disappear from their sights and the safety of our home to be with my one, true love. In an attempt to keep me contained and within their sights, my parents installed deadbolt locks to the doors. This only kept me contained for a little while as I soon learned how to unlock the new locks. I simply could not be kept away from my love.

Who was my first love? My first love was the great outdoors, and remains the love of my life. There has never been a moment in my life when I didn’t love the outdoors. I’m not entirely sure what it was about the outdoors that captivated me as a child, maybe it was the big open spaces, the trees to climb, the fresh air that seemed to wash away all my worries, the view of the mountains, or the trampoline and swing set in my backyard that I loved so much. I loved all that and more, but possibly what I loved most about the outdoors was the way it made me feel. It made me feel as wild as the ocean, as free as the birds, and strong and immovable like a mountain.

Throughout my life, the outdoors have continued to be my oasis in this chaotic world. I’ve always found nature to be so healing, the only medicine I needed to cure my ailments. There’s just something about the fresh air that rushes through your body, clearing away all your worries; something about the big blue skies that spans so endlessly above you; something about the way that all the colors you never knew existed explode across the skies as the sun says goodnight; something about the awesome beauty that can simultaneously take your breath away while giving life to your soul; something about the freeness it exudes and the fearsome power it harnesses in a gentle hand. There’s just something about the outdoors that no words can describe, and no feeling can truly express.

The world we live in is a big, cruel, hard world.  A world full of heartache, war, failures, pain and despair. A world that can push you until you break. “It’s a hard knock life” as the orphan Annie would say. Everyone has their own way of coping with life, their own oasis and remedy to their woes. As for me, the outdoors has always been my go-to “cure-all.” If I was ever feeling sad or depressed, I knew a few minutes outside would leave me feeling energized and hopeful again. Whenever I felt sick, I knew that a little sunshine would have me feeling better in no time.

I love the outdoors, and I know that there are a billion-other people out there who feel the same way that I do. The outdoors is a place where people of all backgrounds and diversities can come and find solstice and a plethora of mind-blowing beauty. I’m sure everyone has experienced an awe-striking, life-pausing moment when in the outdoors. A moment where it feels as if your heart stops and time stands still as you stand there basking in the surreality of our mother earth. As for me, I’ve experienced more of these moments than I can count. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love this earth and I will forever stand as an advocate for it.

Mary Oliver once said, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” and I ask you this, what is it that you plan to do with this one wild and precious earth we have? We as humans have been given the responsibility of caring for our earth in return for the abundance of life that it provides. Its resources come with a price which is more than often overlooked in the attempts to harness and profit from its resources. We have just one, fragile earth and we treat it like a specimen than you can buy at PetSmart. We liter its surface with garbage. We degrade its environment, and threaten its species into extinction by destroying their once thriving habitats.

If we want to leave a healthy earth for generations to come, then we must act now to protect and preserve our earth. We are yet one generation but there are a many more to come who depend on the natural resources that come from our earth. Not only must our earth’s resources and environment be persevered, but its immense beauty must also be preserved. I stand for preserving our earth because I dream of a future where people of all ages and races can fall in love with the outdoors, just as I have. As a society, we must work together to reverse the effects of human error on the earth and preserve our earths natural environment. It will take more than one person to make a difference in the world. That means you and I, your neighbor down the street, the strangers you pass in the grocery store, and every other living soul on the earth must take it upon ourselves to be advocates for our mother earth. So, I ask you this, what is it that you plan to do for this one wild and precious earth?

an open letter to you

I have something to tell you, and you might not believe it, but just hear me out: You. Are. Enough.

Yes, you. You sitting there practicing your inability to go to bed at a reasonable hour, you and your less than perfect hair, you with your laugh that sounds more like choking, you and all your beautiful imperfections....you are enough.

Every day, every second, right now- you are enough. Not when you lose a little weight, not when you fit societies standards of perfect, not when your skin is perfect, not when you've achieved everything you want, not when you grades are all As, not when your bank account doesn't give you copious amounts of anxiety, not when you've found the perfect person to complete you....no, RIGHT NOW. You are enough, right now.

You are enough. You are beautiful in all your imperfections, you are worthy of love and acceptance just the way you are, you don't even have to change a thing.

I tell no lies, this is the TRUTH. It's true for both you and I and everyone else in this vast world. Although it may be true, I'm pretty terrible at believing it.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with this lump in my throat and be totally vulnerable and share a story with you.

Today was just one of those days, ya know? Not terrible, but not entirely picture perfect either. It was one of those days where before you even get our of bed you've already spent too much money online; one of those days where you cried at work; one of those days where no matter how much peppermint tea you drink, you still feel like absolute garbage; just one of those days where shame engulfs you and you're sitting there with a lump in your throat, hot face, and just trying to keep it all together until you can crash into your bed and take a nap to escape your woes. Yeah, that was today.

It all started with a very obvious blemish that threatened to destroy my once nearly perfect skin. It feels totally embarrassing to be writing this out for the world to see but it absolutely destroyed me. It was like an elephant was sitting on my face, it felt like a mountain, so painfully obvious. I don't know how this little blemish managed to temporarily destroy my self-worth, but it did. The fact that I couldn't call in sick for having a breakout and had to face people was like a knee to the stomach. So I spent my day feeling like absolute trash and wanting to hide my ugly face under a pillow.

An hour until I could leave work, I pulled out my phone to snapchat my sister, it was the very worst thing I could have done. The lighting was terrible and I could not have looked uglier, or so I thought. I felt this hot wave of worthlessness and self-loathing wash over me, a lump rose in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. I felt worthless, disgusting, unlovable, and so terribly imperfect. I put my phone down, shook it off and got back to work. There I sat, bathing in my own shame and then my coworker had to go ask me about my life plans! How dare he! And just like that a new wave of worthlessness washed over me and I gave my well rehearsed answer which translates to "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing." Thoughts of "wow I suck" "why can't I get my crap together" were beating at my already fragile self-worth. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I left work early and when I got home immediately crashed in my bed and took a nap. The best solution, right?

Why do I do this? Why do we as humans do this to ourselves? Why can't we just learn to unconditionally love and accept ourselves even with all our imperfections? Why in the name of all things holy are we so hard on ourselves?

I've always struggled with my own self-worth and loving and accepting myself for everything that I am. Despite how far I've come, despite the self-love and acceptance that I've gained over the years, I STILL have days where all my self-loathing bad habits creep back in.

Two years ago if you asked me if I liked myself, I'd probably quickly shake my head and say "no way Jose" But if you asked me today, I'd probably say "hell yeah man" I've come a long way, I'm so grateful for where I am in life, despite how messy my life continues to be. So yeah, I love the person I am even though I kind of suck, I totally accept myself for everything that I am and I've built up a lot of resilience to fight against those negative thoughts, but I have my days-and we all do.

We as humans are so imperfect, but I can't help finding it so helplessly beautiful. Isn't it so amazing that no matter how queer and imperfect humans can be, they're just so dang BEAUTIFUL? I find your flaws to be absolutely breathtaking-in a good way. I find your story, your struggle so admirable- a true catalyst for growth; I see you fighting and your effort to become better, to come out stronger and I find it extremely inspiring. I love how unique you are, like I could travel the whole world and never meet another person like you. I find it so incredibly beautiful that simply your way of being can be so dang beautiful. 

I wish we could all see ourselves for our true worth. Our image of ourselves becomes so distorted. Blurred by the images of who the world thinks we should be, hidden behind our overly high expectations. But just remember, no matter how far down you are in the pits of self-despair, you are enough. You are loved, so very loved. You are beautiful even when you're not trying to be. You are smart enough, funny enough, good enough, pretty enough. You are enough.

Compassion and acceptance are such a crucial part of living a meaningful life. They say to love your neighbor as yourself but I think when it comes to compassion we're all pretty bad at this. It's a whole lot easier to accept and be compassionate to others but man its so hard to accept and be compassionate to ourselves. I bet we're all a little bit more accepting and compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. Crazy, isn't it? 

If anything, learning to have self-compassion and love and accept myself has helped me to be a more loving, genuine, happy and compassionate person. I think that when we truly are solid in our identity, firm in our authenticity, and self-compassionate, we're more able to wholeheartedly love and accept others. 

Everyday I have to remind myself to focus on the positive, to not only seek to find the good in others, but to find the good in myself. I'm constantly taking a step back and regrouping, reminding myself to practice self-compassion. It's a struggle, I'm not very good at it, but I'm getting better. It's like a muscle, the more you exercise it the stronger it gets. Slowly but surely it's becoming a habit, a default to combat my negative thoughts and self-bashing. 

We're all a bunch of imperfect human beings just trying our hardest, putting on our best fake smile, trying to keep it together, faking it until we make it. 

Have compassion. Love people with your whole heart. Be kind, you never know what they're going through. Hug your family. Tell them you love them. Give everyone hugs smile a lot just LOVE. Be happy. Don't compare. We all feel inadequate and insecure in our own ways. Your giving of compassion, love, and acceptance could literally save someone's life. Always reach upward. Strive to be your best. Just be yourself and OWN it. 

So, even if your skin breaks out and it feels like the end of the world, just remember that a little blemish doesn't define you. You in everything that you are, you are enough. :) 

don't follow the yellow brick road

Life is good-brutal-but good. It's probably obvious, but I definitely don't have my life together in any sort of way. I kind of have no idea what I'm doing with my life; not to suggest that I have no direction in life nor do I plan to live in my parents basement for the rest of my life, I definitely have purpose and drive in life, but life is just kind of messy. 

You see, at some point in my life I decided that the yellow brick road was too crowded, practically suffocating with streams of people marching along, heads down and probably looking at their iPhone and when you tried to talk to them they'd just nod and go "uh huh" when really they weren't listening at all. They tell you that as long as you stay on the yellow brick road you'll never get lost and everything will work out great. Ya know? Comfy office job with a nice paying salary, a nice warm home to go to, I guess that's where all those people on the yellow brick road were trying to get to, or so I'm told. 

But yellow is boring, the road was too damn crowded and honestly how was I expected to stay on the yellow brick road when it was surrounded with fields of wildflowers to run in, majestic mountain peaks rising up in the distant just begging to be climbed. I'm sorry but I honestly don't see how anyone ever expected me to stay on the yellow brick road. 

So that's how life got messy, I guess. I wandered a little, scraped up my knees, got lost, climbed some mountains, danced in the rain, chased butterflies through fields of wildflowers. My legs are covered in scars from the densely wooded forest I hiked through, scraped up from the rocky slopes I slid on. 

That's the thing about life off of the yellow brick road, it may not be very crowded, it may be ten times more beautiful, but it's rugged. There's no trodden paths to walk on, no signs pointing you in the right direction, it's wild and dangerous but I'd say it's a million times better than life on the yellow brick road. But that's just me, and I'm one in seven billion. 

I'm just one free spirited girl in a world that thinks it can tell me how I should live my life (how dare they, right?). I'm just one unpopular opinion. I'm just one of the seven billion painfully beautiful and imperfect human beings on this rotating marble we call home. 

I. Am. Imperfect. I'm a mess. I cry a lot. I feel everything a little too deeply. I have a shopping addiction. I'm too sarcastic for my own good. I'm wild beyond the point of being tamed. I'm a free spirit and I push people away for the sake of feeling free. I somehow only know how to write in run-on sentences. I'm naive. I'm a wanderer. I'm covered in scars from all the times I fell off my bike or slipped while hiking. I'm imperfect, I'm flawed, I'm a little shattered but I'm human, I'm me and there's no one else I'd rather be. 

I've never been the one to do what everyone else is doing unless I'm a fan of what everyone else is doing then I might do it too. Sometimes it frustrates me how DIFFERENT I feel from everyone else. Sometimes I get lost and just when there's no signs pointing me exactly where I want to go. Sometimes I just wonder if I'd stayed on the yellow brick road if life wouldn't feel like such a mess.  

But then I remember how great life is off the yellow brick road and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY LIFE IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL IT HURTS. It's hard, it's exhausting, it takes the breath out of me on a daily basis. But my soul is aching because of how awesomely wonderful life is. 

I love this life. I really, truly do. I constantly have to remind myself to be patient with life and enjoy the moment, because man I've got a long long time to live and a whole lot of hope. 

I believe in being authentic. So no matter what the world tells you, just be YOURSELF. Be a thousand percent real as hell. Blow the world away with your authenticity even if you knock them dead. Wear your nerdy t-shirts, rock those holy jeans, laugh until your abs hurt even if you hate your laugh, cry if you wanna cry, dance down the isle of the grocery store, sing at the top of your lungs, give the world all you've got and don't hold back. 

I don't care what career makes more money, I only care about what makes my heart sing. I don't care if you tell me I'll be poor for the rest of my life, at least I'll be living the hell out of life. 

Please just promise me that no matter what, you'll be true to who you are. If you want to go dance in the wildflowers, you go dance in the wildflowers. Climb the mountain even if everyone calls you crazy. Be you, be imperfect, be crazy, be weird. On the brick road or off the brick road, just promise me you'll follow your heart and let your soul soar.

Darling, don't follow the yellow brick road. 

a plethora of stoke

Hi it's me, reporting live from my bed at 12am on a Wednesday morning(?). Currently waiting for my laundry to be done so I can finish packing for the backpacking trip I leave for in 7 hours. 

I leave in 7 hours but have to be up in 6, and judging by my inability to go to bed at a reasonable hour, the amount of sleep I get will be around 3-4 hours. 

And somehow despite the fact that I'll be backpacking for the rest of the week, I decided it'd be a good idea to throw in a long run tonight. My body is dead. Thank goodness God blessed me with an insane amount of energy. 

And on top of that my feet are still destroyed from previous backpacking trips of backpacking in chacos. I'll be backpacking in chacos this week. Starting to wonder if hiking boots would be more efficient than covering my entire feet in bandaids and duct tape BUT I'm poor so bandaids and duct tape it is. 

When I get home from backpacking, it'll be one week until I head to the desert to spend an entire week with my favorite people, doing my favorite thing. I am beyond excited.

After that it's more backpacking, weddings, and a whole lot of working because somehow you can't survive without money?? Weird. 

Memories are flooding my mind. Like the one time we spontaneously drove to Wyoming with no plans, hiked 10 miles around a lake with 24oz of water between two people and a whole lot of Oreos and "omg I'm going to die" and then proceeded to sleep in our car in a random parking lot. 

Or that one time we ended up in Moab with no place to stay so this nice college geology group from Colorado let us crash at their camp site. A bitter lullaby or f-words being thrown around their fire lulled us to sleep on our tarp under the stars. 

OR maybe that one time I missed my flight home because I was repelling off an old mining bridge in Sacramento and had to spend the night in the international terminal of the LAX airport; curled under a bench in my sleeping bag like the true nomad that I am. Also can't forget that old Korean guy that talked to me about life for hours while we ate our Panda Express. 

That one time we dileriously ate animal crackers on the floor of a Trader Joes in San Francisco. Explored the redwoods while breaking all the rules and making mustaches out of moss. Camped under fern trees with the beach just a short walk away while our tree tent neighbors got higher and higher.

Or that one time we had fires on the beach and slept on a complete strangers floor in Seattle. 

Etc., etc., etc.  

This is my life.

This. (and so much more) is. my. life. 

Mine?? 

?????

I am overwhelmed and confused as to how I got this lucky. 

People come and go, hearts get broken, tears are shed, plans falter, you make mistakes...but hope is never loss. Never, ever. 

There's too much good to be found in the world to be sad. I am so stoked to be alive. So absolutely thrilled for my future. This life is so good. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations. But wow. Life is good my dudes. 

"And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."

And isn't that the truth. 

(Apologies for the lack of coherency in writing but it is what it is.)

Stay stoked y'all :) 

white pine lake | july 2016

I've hiked into White Pine lakes a few times in the fall, but this was my first time backpacking in AND going in the summer. Lots of firsts, and it was absolutely amazing. I would highly recommend hiking White Pine in the summer time, all the wildflowers are out and the world is lush and green. It's beautiful in the fall as well, and definitely less crowded, but it's nice all year round if accessible. Just a beautiful place. 

Our little crew was just my sister and I and a few of our rad cousins. So thankful for family who shares the same love of the outdoors that I have. 

It was a high quality weekend (Despite the side affects that come from backpacking in chacos).

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's always a good time in the mountains :) 

Feel Lucky // Lucy & The Cloud Parade

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I'm feelin pretty dang lucky to be alive.

Sometimes I see stellar people on the insta and I feel a little bit of a pit in my stomach, upset that I'm not livin the dream, slightly jealous and yeah just frustrated with my life and where it is. But in all reality, my life is DAAAANG GOOD. I've gotten to a point in life where I fully accept that my life will never be perfect, nor will I, but I can find happiness and joy despite the crap moments.

Feelin reaaaaal lucky to be alive in this magnificent world full of beautiful souls and never ending adventures and a plethora of beauty.

a few of the many many many many things I'm grateful for:
art. mountains. seasons, especially autumn. adventure buddies. moms. dads. family. siblings because they're my best friends. road trips. utah. coffee shops. outdoor gear. indoor plants. music. pianos. blankets. beanies&scarves. hiking. the ocean. mountain lakes. food, especially pizza and donuts and just food in general. pens and cool markers. good working wifi. my job. cache valley. photography. america because freedom. early morning frost. nature. potential. rainy days. good books. sunshine. grandparents. planes and trains. etc. etc. etc.

So very grateful. my heart is full and I feel expceptionally blessed. god is good y'all.