I am

This space feels a bit dusty…it's like something you left on the top shelf of your closet, something that you knew was there but left hidden because it was no longer a part of you, but you just couldn't part with the idea that somehow…it still was. Occasionally you'd pick it up and dust it off and think about what it used to be to you. You would toy with the idea of opening it up again, but then you'd put it away and let it collect dust. 

In a way that's how I feel about this space. Writing has always been an incredible release for me. I've filled countless journals with thoughts, feelings, and ideas and over the years this was a safe space for me to spill the things I was feeling into a jumble of run-on-sentences and really bad grammar. I haven’t used this space in over three years and I feel excited about bringing back something that feels so good to me-to write and share my thoughts with everyone, or no one at all. 

A lot has changed since I last was here. In fact, I’ve been caught in a constant whirlwind of change. I’ve struggled, I’ve felt empowered, I’ve been struck down, I’ve been in the darkest places I’ve ever been, and I’ve explored so many different places and different versions of myself. Throughout all my wanderings, the most powerful lesson I’ve learned over these past few years is that I don’t need to try so hard to Be somebody, to gain the approval of others, to fit in, to find myself. All I really needed to do was just Be. To surrender to the mysteries and magic of the universe.

So, here I am. Basking in the warmth of a brand new, fresh start.

(And please don't scroll any further because the cringe can kill)

One Wild and Precious Earth

Our mother earth is magnificent and vast. Overflowing with diversity and immense beauty. As a society, we are dependent on the resources that our earth provides. We would not have the thriving economies that we have today without the resources that our earth provides. Nor would we be surrounded with all the natural wonders of our beautiful earth: no mountains to climb, no waves to surf, no forests to explore, and that would be a crying shame.

This earth we live on is truly a phenomenon and I feel so lucky to be able to soak up its overwhelming beauty in the great outdoors. This earth is not only the backbone of human civilization but it’s good for the soul. There is something about nature that is so healing, a magic that no modern medicine can compare to.

When I was three or four, I found my first love. We were inseparable, nothing could keep us apart. To my parent’s dismay, I would often disappear from their sights and the safety of our home to be with my one, true love. In an attempt to keep me contained and within their sights, my parents installed deadbolt locks to the doors. This only kept me contained for a little while as I soon learned how to unlock the new locks. I simply could not be kept away from my love.

Who was my first love? My first love was the great outdoors, and remains the love of my life. There has never been a moment in my life when I didn’t love the outdoors. I’m not entirely sure what it was about the outdoors that captivated me as a child, maybe it was the big open spaces, the trees to climb, the fresh air that seemed to wash away all my worries, the view of the mountains, or the trampoline and swing set in my backyard that I loved so much. I loved all that and more, but possibly what I loved most about the outdoors was the way it made me feel. It made me feel as wild as the ocean, as free as the birds, and strong and immovable like a mountain.

Throughout my life, the outdoors have continued to be my oasis in this chaotic world. I’ve always found nature to be so healing, the only medicine I needed to cure my ailments. There’s just something about the fresh air that rushes through your body, clearing away all your worries; something about the big blue skies that spans so endlessly above you; something about the way that all the colors you never knew existed explode across the skies as the sun says goodnight; something about the awesome beauty that can simultaneously take your breath away while giving life to your soul; something about the freeness it exudes and the fearsome power it harnesses in a gentle hand. There’s just something about the outdoors that no words can describe, and no feeling can truly express.

The world we live in is a big, cruel, hard world.  A world full of heartache, war, failures, pain and despair. A world that can push you until you break. “It’s a hard knock life” as the orphan Annie would say. Everyone has their own way of coping with life, their own oasis and remedy to their woes. As for me, the outdoors has always been my go-to “cure-all.” If I was ever feeling sad or depressed, I knew a few minutes outside would leave me feeling energized and hopeful again. Whenever I felt sick, I knew that a little sunshine would have me feeling better in no time.

I love the outdoors, and I know that there are a billion-other people out there who feel the same way that I do. The outdoors is a place where people of all backgrounds and diversities can come and find solstice and a plethora of mind-blowing beauty. I’m sure everyone has experienced an awe-striking, life-pausing moment when in the outdoors. A moment where it feels as if your heart stops and time stands still as you stand there basking in the surreality of our mother earth. As for me, I’ve experienced more of these moments than I can count. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love this earth and I will forever stand as an advocate for it.

Mary Oliver once said, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” and I ask you this, what is it that you plan to do with this one wild and precious earth we have? We as humans have been given the responsibility of caring for our earth in return for the abundance of life that it provides. Its resources come with a price which is more than often overlooked in the attempts to harness and profit from its resources. We have just one, fragile earth and we treat it like a specimen than you can buy at PetSmart. We liter its surface with garbage. We degrade its environment, and threaten its species into extinction by destroying their once thriving habitats.

If we want to leave a healthy earth for generations to come, then we must act now to protect and preserve our earth. We are yet one generation but there are a many more to come who depend on the natural resources that come from our earth. Not only must our earth’s resources and environment be persevered, but its immense beauty must also be preserved. I stand for preserving our earth because I dream of a future where people of all ages and races can fall in love with the outdoors, just as I have. As a society, we must work together to reverse the effects of human error on the earth and preserve our earths natural environment. It will take more than one person to make a difference in the world. That means you and I, your neighbor down the street, the strangers you pass in the grocery store, and every other living soul on the earth must take it upon ourselves to be advocates for our mother earth. So, I ask you this, what is it that you plan to do for this one wild and precious earth?

an open letter to you

I have something to tell you, and you might not believe it, but just hear me out: You. Are. Enough.

Yes, you. You sitting there practicing your inability to go to bed at a reasonable hour, you and your less than perfect hair, you with your laugh that sounds more like choking, you and all your beautiful imperfections....you are enough.

Every day, every second, right now- you are enough. Not when you lose a little weight, not when you fit societies standards of perfect, not when your skin is perfect, not when you've achieved everything you want, not when you grades are all As, not when your bank account doesn't give you copious amounts of anxiety, not when you've found the perfect person to complete you....no, RIGHT NOW. You are enough, right now.

You are enough. You are beautiful in all your imperfections, you are worthy of love and acceptance just the way you are, you don't even have to change a thing.

I tell no lies, this is the TRUTH. It's true for both you and I and everyone else in this vast world. Although it may be true, I'm pretty terrible at believing it.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with this lump in my throat and be totally vulnerable and share a story with you.

Today was just one of those days, ya know? Not terrible, but not entirely picture perfect either. It was one of those days where before you even get our of bed you've already spent too much money online; one of those days where you cried at work; one of those days where no matter how much peppermint tea you drink, you still feel like absolute garbage; just one of those days where shame engulfs you and you're sitting there with a lump in your throat, hot face, and just trying to keep it all together until you can crash into your bed and take a nap to escape your woes. Yeah, that was today.

It all started with a very obvious blemish that threatened to destroy my once nearly perfect skin. It feels totally embarrassing to be writing this out for the world to see but it absolutely destroyed me. It was like an elephant was sitting on my face, it felt like a mountain, so painfully obvious. I don't know how this little blemish managed to temporarily destroy my self-worth, but it did. The fact that I couldn't call in sick for having a breakout and had to face people was like a knee to the stomach. So I spent my day feeling like absolute trash and wanting to hide my ugly face under a pillow.

An hour until I could leave work, I pulled out my phone to snapchat my sister, it was the very worst thing I could have done. The lighting was terrible and I could not have looked uglier, or so I thought. I felt this hot wave of worthlessness and self-loathing wash over me, a lump rose in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. I felt worthless, disgusting, unlovable, and so terribly imperfect. I put my phone down, shook it off and got back to work. There I sat, bathing in my own shame and then my coworker had to go ask me about my life plans! How dare he! And just like that a new wave of worthlessness washed over me and I gave my well rehearsed answer which translates to "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing." Thoughts of "wow I suck" "why can't I get my crap together" were beating at my already fragile self-worth. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I left work early and when I got home immediately crashed in my bed and took a nap. The best solution, right?

Why do I do this? Why do we as humans do this to ourselves? Why can't we just learn to unconditionally love and accept ourselves even with all our imperfections? Why in the name of all things holy are we so hard on ourselves?

I've always struggled with my own self-worth and loving and accepting myself for everything that I am. Despite how far I've come, despite the self-love and acceptance that I've gained over the years, I STILL have days where all my self-loathing bad habits creep back in.

Two years ago if you asked me if I liked myself, I'd probably quickly shake my head and say "no way Jose" But if you asked me today, I'd probably say "hell yeah man" I've come a long way, I'm so grateful for where I am in life, despite how messy my life continues to be. So yeah, I love the person I am even though I kind of suck, I totally accept myself for everything that I am and I've built up a lot of resilience to fight against those negative thoughts, but I have my days-and we all do.

We as humans are so imperfect, but I can't help finding it so helplessly beautiful. Isn't it so amazing that no matter how queer and imperfect humans can be, they're just so dang BEAUTIFUL? I find your flaws to be absolutely breathtaking-in a good way. I find your story, your struggle so admirable- a true catalyst for growth; I see you fighting and your effort to become better, to come out stronger and I find it extremely inspiring. I love how unique you are, like I could travel the whole world and never meet another person like you. I find it so incredibly beautiful that simply your way of being can be so dang beautiful. 

I wish we could all see ourselves for our true worth. Our image of ourselves becomes so distorted. Blurred by the images of who the world thinks we should be, hidden behind our overly high expectations. But just remember, no matter how far down you are in the pits of self-despair, you are enough. You are loved, so very loved. You are beautiful even when you're not trying to be. You are smart enough, funny enough, good enough, pretty enough. You are enough.

Compassion and acceptance are such a crucial part of living a meaningful life. They say to love your neighbor as yourself but I think when it comes to compassion we're all pretty bad at this. It's a whole lot easier to accept and be compassionate to others but man its so hard to accept and be compassionate to ourselves. I bet we're all a little bit more accepting and compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. Crazy, isn't it? 

If anything, learning to have self-compassion and love and accept myself has helped me to be a more loving, genuine, happy and compassionate person. I think that when we truly are solid in our identity, firm in our authenticity, and self-compassionate, we're more able to wholeheartedly love and accept others. 

Everyday I have to remind myself to focus on the positive, to not only seek to find the good in others, but to find the good in myself. I'm constantly taking a step back and regrouping, reminding myself to practice self-compassion. It's a struggle, I'm not very good at it, but I'm getting better. It's like a muscle, the more you exercise it the stronger it gets. Slowly but surely it's becoming a habit, a default to combat my negative thoughts and self-bashing. 

We're all a bunch of imperfect human beings just trying our hardest, putting on our best fake smile, trying to keep it together, faking it until we make it. 

Have compassion. Love people with your whole heart. Be kind, you never know what they're going through. Hug your family. Tell them you love them. Give everyone hugs smile a lot just LOVE. Be happy. Don't compare. We all feel inadequate and insecure in our own ways. Your giving of compassion, love, and acceptance could literally save someone's life. Always reach upward. Strive to be your best. Just be yourself and OWN it. 

So, even if your skin breaks out and it feels like the end of the world, just remember that a little blemish doesn't define you. You in everything that you are, you are enough. :) 

don't follow the yellow brick road

Life is good-brutal-but good. It's probably obvious, but I definitely don't have my life together in any sort of way. I kind of have no idea what I'm doing with my life; not to suggest that I have no direction in life nor do I plan to live in my parents basement for the rest of my life, I definitely have purpose and drive in life, but life is just kind of messy. 

You see, at some point in my life I decided that the yellow brick road was too crowded, practically suffocating with streams of people marching along, heads down and probably looking at their iPhone and when you tried to talk to them they'd just nod and go "uh huh" when really they weren't listening at all. They tell you that as long as you stay on the yellow brick road you'll never get lost and everything will work out great. Ya know? Comfy office job with a nice paying salary, a nice warm home to go to, I guess that's where all those people on the yellow brick road were trying to get to, or so I'm told. 

But yellow is boring, the road was too damn crowded and honestly how was I expected to stay on the yellow brick road when it was surrounded with fields of wildflowers to run in, majestic mountain peaks rising up in the distant just begging to be climbed. I'm sorry but I honestly don't see how anyone ever expected me to stay on the yellow brick road. 

So that's how life got messy, I guess. I wandered a little, scraped up my knees, got lost, climbed some mountains, danced in the rain, chased butterflies through fields of wildflowers. My legs are covered in scars from the densely wooded forest I hiked through, scraped up from the rocky slopes I slid on. 

That's the thing about life off of the yellow brick road, it may not be very crowded, it may be ten times more beautiful, but it's rugged. There's no trodden paths to walk on, no signs pointing you in the right direction, it's wild and dangerous but I'd say it's a million times better than life on the yellow brick road. But that's just me, and I'm one in seven billion. 

I'm just one free spirited girl in a world that thinks it can tell me how I should live my life (how dare they, right?). I'm just one unpopular opinion. I'm just one of the seven billion painfully beautiful and imperfect human beings on this rotating marble we call home. 

I. Am. Imperfect. I'm a mess. I cry a lot. I feel everything a little too deeply. I have a shopping addiction. I'm too sarcastic for my own good. I'm wild beyond the point of being tamed. I'm a free spirit and I push people away for the sake of feeling free. I somehow only know how to write in run-on sentences. I'm naive. I'm a wanderer. I'm covered in scars from all the times I fell off my bike or slipped while hiking. I'm imperfect, I'm flawed, I'm a little shattered but I'm human, I'm me and there's no one else I'd rather be. 

I've never been the one to do what everyone else is doing unless I'm a fan of what everyone else is doing then I might do it too. Sometimes it frustrates me how DIFFERENT I feel from everyone else. Sometimes I get lost and just when there's no signs pointing me exactly where I want to go. Sometimes I just wonder if I'd stayed on the yellow brick road if life wouldn't feel like such a mess.  

But then I remember how great life is off the yellow brick road and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY LIFE IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL IT HURTS. It's hard, it's exhausting, it takes the breath out of me on a daily basis. But my soul is aching because of how awesomely wonderful life is. 

I love this life. I really, truly do. I constantly have to remind myself to be patient with life and enjoy the moment, because man I've got a long long time to live and a whole lot of hope. 

I believe in being authentic. So no matter what the world tells you, just be YOURSELF. Be a thousand percent real as hell. Blow the world away with your authenticity even if you knock them dead. Wear your nerdy t-shirts, rock those holy jeans, laugh until your abs hurt even if you hate your laugh, cry if you wanna cry, dance down the isle of the grocery store, sing at the top of your lungs, give the world all you've got and don't hold back. 

I don't care what career makes more money, I only care about what makes my heart sing. I don't care if you tell me I'll be poor for the rest of my life, at least I'll be living the hell out of life. 

Please just promise me that no matter what, you'll be true to who you are. If you want to go dance in the wildflowers, you go dance in the wildflowers. Climb the mountain even if everyone calls you crazy. Be you, be imperfect, be crazy, be weird. On the brick road or off the brick road, just promise me you'll follow your heart and let your soul soar.

Darling, don't follow the yellow brick road. 

a plethora of stoke

Hi it's me, reporting live from my bed at 12am on a Wednesday morning(?). Currently waiting for my laundry to be done so I can finish packing for the backpacking trip I leave for in 7 hours. 

I leave in 7 hours but have to be up in 6, and judging by my inability to go to bed at a reasonable hour, the amount of sleep I get will be around 3-4 hours. 

And somehow despite the fact that I'll be backpacking for the rest of the week, I decided it'd be a good idea to throw in a long run tonight. My body is dead. Thank goodness God blessed me with an insane amount of energy. 

And on top of that my feet are still destroyed from previous backpacking trips of backpacking in chacos. I'll be backpacking in chacos this week. Starting to wonder if hiking boots would be more efficient than covering my entire feet in bandaids and duct tape BUT I'm poor so bandaids and duct tape it is. 

When I get home from backpacking, it'll be one week until I head to the desert to spend an entire week with my favorite people, doing my favorite thing. I am beyond excited.

After that it's more backpacking, weddings, and a whole lot of working because somehow you can't survive without money?? Weird. 

Memories are flooding my mind. Like the one time we spontaneously drove to Wyoming with no plans, hiked 10 miles around a lake with 24oz of water between two people and a whole lot of Oreos and "omg I'm going to die" and then proceeded to sleep in our car in a random parking lot. 

Or that one time we ended up in Moab with no place to stay so this nice college geology group from Colorado let us crash at their camp site. A bitter lullaby or f-words being thrown around their fire lulled us to sleep on our tarp under the stars. 

OR maybe that one time I missed my flight home because I was repelling off an old mining bridge in Sacramento and had to spend the night in the international terminal of the LAX airport; curled under a bench in my sleeping bag like the true nomad that I am. Also can't forget that old Korean guy that talked to me about life for hours while we ate our Panda Express. 

That one time we dileriously ate animal crackers on the floor of a Trader Joes in San Francisco. Explored the redwoods while breaking all the rules and making mustaches out of moss. Camped under fern trees with the beach just a short walk away while our tree tent neighbors got higher and higher.

Or that one time we had fires on the beach and slept on a complete strangers floor in Seattle. 

Etc., etc., etc.  

This is my life.

This. (and so much more) is. my. life. 

Mine?? 

?????

I am overwhelmed and confused as to how I got this lucky. 

People come and go, hearts get broken, tears are shed, plans falter, you make mistakes...but hope is never loss. Never, ever. 

There's too much good to be found in the world to be sad. I am so stoked to be alive. So absolutely thrilled for my future. This life is so good. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations. But wow. Life is good my dudes. 

"And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."

And isn't that the truth. 

(Apologies for the lack of coherency in writing but it is what it is.)

Stay stoked y'all :) 

white pine lake | july 2016

I've hiked into White Pine lakes a few times in the fall, but this was my first time backpacking in AND going in the summer. Lots of firsts, and it was absolutely amazing. I would highly recommend hiking White Pine in the summer time, all the wildflowers are out and the world is lush and green. It's beautiful in the fall as well, and definitely less crowded, but it's nice all year round if accessible. Just a beautiful place. 

Our little crew was just my sister and I and a few of our rad cousins. So thankful for family who shares the same love of the outdoors that I have. 

It was a high quality weekend (Despite the side affects that come from backpacking in chacos).

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's always a good time in the mountains :) 

Feel Lucky // Lucy & The Cloud Parade

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I'm feelin pretty dang lucky to be alive.

Sometimes I see stellar people on the insta and I feel a little bit of a pit in my stomach, upset that I'm not livin the dream, slightly jealous and yeah just frustrated with my life and where it is. But in all reality, my life is DAAAANG GOOD. I've gotten to a point in life where I fully accept that my life will never be perfect, nor will I, but I can find happiness and joy despite the crap moments.

Feelin reaaaaal lucky to be alive in this magnificent world full of beautiful souls and never ending adventures and a plethora of beauty.

a few of the many many many many things I'm grateful for:
art. mountains. seasons, especially autumn. adventure buddies. moms. dads. family. siblings because they're my best friends. road trips. utah. coffee shops. outdoor gear. indoor plants. music. pianos. blankets. beanies&scarves. hiking. the ocean. mountain lakes. food, especially pizza and donuts and just food in general. pens and cool markers. good working wifi. my job. cache valley. photography. america because freedom. early morning frost. nature. potential. rainy days. good books. sunshine. grandparents. planes and trains. etc. etc. etc.

So very grateful. my heart is full and I feel expceptionally blessed. god is good y'all.

all will be well // the gabe dixon band

Don't be confused, my post titles will now be neat songs that fit the mood. Alright. 

Also apologies for the lack of grammar and general writing skills. sometimes you just don't wanna ya know. most times actually. 

The past couple days have been a saga of locking keys in the car, losing everything, unwanted tears, pounding headaches, good adventures, and I'm losing my mind. 

Life is hard man. I know exactly what I want with my life, but no. idea. where. to. start. And it's incredibly frustrating. 

I want to fill my backpack with nostalgic photos, my journal, granola bars, and of course the necessities-my cozy down sleeping bag, my neon hammock, etc. Probably some climbing gear and a slackline too. 

Catch the next flight to the Golden State. Hitch a ride to Yosemite. Walk into the valley...the place where my people reside. Make some friends. Hitch another ride to where the infinite backcountry begins. Spend the rest of my days living under a rock, climbing rocks, walking lines in the sky. 

I have an image in my head, a movie playing on repeat like a viral vine. A life that is meant to be mine. A life I've always dreamed of. A life my heart is leading me to. It's just a little out of my reach, at least it feels like it. 

I'm day dreaming in limbo. I'm resisting change. 

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now other than sitting on my bed listening to good tunes, or where exactly I'm going because I have zero plans. Most days I'm not even sure I know exactly who I am. But somehow my heart knows exactly the life I need, exactly where I need to be. It's a constant battle between the thoughts in my head and the dreams in my heart. 

Life doesn't make sense. This post doesn't make sense. 

Life is hard. But it's alright. It's better than alright. It's pretty good. Better than pretty good most days. 

It's okay to have sad moments. Ever fairy tales have their ups and their downs. It'll all be well. 

"Even though sometimes this is hard to tell. And the fight is just as frustrating as hell. All will be well....

...You got to keep it up and don't give up. And chase your dreams and you will find. All in time....

All will be well" 

raspberry lemonade

Currently genuinely confused about life.

Life is a labyrinth and I'm currently lost on the corner of I don't know and I don't know.

Isn't all we really want in life, is to feel meaningful? Don't we all just wanna feel important, don't we want to make our dreams come true and at the end of the day when the marigold sky has faded and the stars light up the sky, don't we just want to feel meaningful?

I don't know about you, I don't know your dreams, I don't know you heart. I don't know what gets you up in the morning or your 2am motivations.

But I do know me. I know what gets me up in the morning and I know my 2am motivations. I know my dreams and I definitely know my heart.

Life definitely has it's ups and downs, and every basic person ever everywhere has said that (yes, CREATIVE I know). Really though I cannot even begin to tell you all about the roller coaster I'm ridin'. One heck of a ride that's for sure. You'd probably pee your pants just hearing about it, alright.

Even though my stress levels are off the charts at "it feels like a fat bald man is sitting on my chest and I can't breath" I see a glimmer of hope in the distance and I'm surging forward.

I'm so grateful for the good times, they make the bad times seem as if they were just cobwebs in the corner.

Me and my very confused self, my new friggin cute planner and my raspberry lemonade are gonna go ROCK THIS WORLD.

elevation // ninja style

Just can't get over how lucky I am, especially these past few months, they've been straight radical, so very surreal.

There is something so magical about just going with the flow, if riding the waves of life was like surfing I'd be a mega pro. Whether life is working the same job everyday and feeling SO MEDIOCRE I COULD DIE, or spending three weeks away from home with only a little bit of a plan, I'll take it, I'll ride that wave. This is now, now is what we have. Firm believer in being present in whatever the moment brings. 

I mean, sure I may be a little spontaneous and unorganized when it comes to life, but I love it. That's all that matters RIGHT. Loving the life you live. 

The past couple of months have been a wild ride, sometimes pretty chill, others times up on a high, but every moment is beautiful, and I'm so stoked with all the memories I have to cherish forever. 

I feel like I've been all over the place (I haven't really) but the nomad in me had it's fix for a little bit back there. I spent two weeks in St. George working at Elevation (stay tuned bc that's what all this post is about if I ever get to it), a week in California with potential (my truest homies), a few days in Moab with my church (s/o to my ward for being extra stellar), and countless days up in my mountains, hiking, camping, backpacking, all the good stuff. It's a colorful life. 

It's a beautiful life really, sure there is lots of greys but to be honest, I think grey is a beautiful color, there are lots of bold, bright colors, swishes of stunning colors here and there, all over a pretty great painting my life is turning out to be. Perfect, hah no. Pretty rad? Dang straight. 

I know I've been CRUMMY at posting but here is me trying (attempting and flopping really) to not abandon this blog;

Let's take a journey back to the 8th of May, the beginning of my traveling adventures (bc everyday is an adventure and have you seen where I live amazing amirite). 

I packed up probably all of my belongings because I procrastinated packing (literally to the very last half hour) and thought to myself, "If I take everything I won't forget anything." FALSE. I forgot wet wipes, who forgets wet wipes, honestly. Frantically threw everything into the back of my dads truck and he so graciously drove me to my sisters house an hour of so away. Got to spend the night with my pretty neat sister and her husband. We baked sweet potato fries and sat on the kitchen floor, the best nights right. 

May 9th. I love Masina, and what is better than taking a six hour drive with the people that you friggin love amrite. Even if you have to wake up early in the AM and repack all your possessions three times.  The drive literally flashed by in a jiffy, those are the best kinds of road trips. When you're having to much of a good time to feel the tug of the hours as they tick by. The best. BUT I ALSO LOVE RACHEL. Rachel is rad because she let me crash at her house and ran me around with her expert driving skills, and fed me food, truly a saint. Got to Rachel's house where we hung out in her hipster attic room and helped her study for her midterm. THEN AUTUMN AND MADDIE SHOWED UP. We cruised around the grocery store in one of those electric carts like a bunch of teenagers. I have never felt so teenager-y in my entire life. Then we made food and made weird videos on Autumns phone. Always feel so at home whenever I'm with these people. 

May 10th. Rachel literally lives like 5 minutes from the St. George Temple, such a beautiful temple. So crisp and white against the deep blue desert sky. Let's also not forget that the chapel smelled like old people, perks of living in an old neighborhood. After church, SANNEKE SHOWED UP. I LOVE SANNEKE. We got all ready to head out to the canyon for the week, and Autumn blessed us with her mad driving skills and drove us to the canyon in her MuMu. 

((PAUSE FOR A SECOND. Elevation is the rad outdoor leadership camp with the amazing online liberal arts school, Williamsburg Academy, that I was so lucky to attend for most of high school. I've gone three times as a student, and this year, I was so ridiculously lucky to go as a trail guide. (TRAIL GUIDE. I repeat, TRAIL. GUIDE.) It was hands down the best experience ever.))

I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be reunited with the mentors and other trail guides, (like JULIA. Forever my internal explosion buddy), I look up to them so much and am so fortunate to have them in my life. We did orientation, walls (actually such an incredible experience doing it with the mentors), set up camp, and were overall just so happy to be together in the canyon. 

Elevation Week One // May 11th-May 15th. This is IT. This was the day we had been preparing for, the day I had been WAITING SO (not) PATIENTLY FOR. The day the students arrived and the life changing 5 days began. It felt so good to see my people again, oh how I love them. 

Let me tell you about my pod, Pod Four. There was just something so weird about us. For starters, our pod name was, "Here at Pod Four, we're better than you, and we know it." said while we tilted out heads and then ended in a loud roar. Hailstone was the mentor (nicknamed papa bear) and I was the trail guide (nicknamed goldilocks). Our podlings were Cedar, Briar, Jefferson, Caleb, Dallin, Jarom, Jane, McKenna, Meghan, and Clay. We were such an odd bunch but in the best kind of way, we all goofed off and meshed together so well, we were so close and I really admire these kids, they are all such incredible leaders and Pod Four IS better than you. 

^^^100% blinking and 5000% high on life.^^^

If I went through every single day of elevation, this post would be EVEN longer than it already is, so presenting, bullet points of my favourite moments from week one. 

• Belaying/helping kids up their first ever climbs. Your first climb is so magical, also terrifying if you're most people. And when you finish your first ever climb, it's a moment you'll cherish forever. The best feeling was when those kids thanked me for helping them with huge grins on their faces. That's the best. 
• E-Ninja trip. I could type my fingers off with this one. The E-Ninja trip was the BEST. We had a huge group so we did repelling at Dixie Rock and did a repel rescue simulation where I was the one being rescued. Let me just say, I make an excellent unconscious person, not to brag or anything, but my leg and hands DID turn purple and not once did I speak or break character. S/o to John and Tim for working through the problem and not killing me. Next we went to fat mans squeeze (a slot smaller than the width of my foot in some places) did a simulation where Rachel had a broken leg and we had to get her to the end of the canyon. It's so rad seeing the leaders stand up and lead and everyone work together in harmony. The last thing we did was go to the lava tubes, a really cool underground cave thing. It smelled sorta nasty but at the end there was this really big cavern, there were glows sticks laying all over the ground so we picked them up and sprayed them on the walls, IT WAS SO COOL. It looked like a galaxy. With our lights off, we sat and had a little devo. I love those people with all of my heart. Such an incredible experience. 
• Pod Talent/Skit night. MY POD. Haha. It kills me. We had the best skit ever. We danced around like chickens and then acted out a cock fight and had such a blast doing it. I was so proud of the kids for getting our of their comfort zones and having a good time. That was the best night. Earlier that day in morning pod devo, I had quoted "20 seconds of courage" to the kids and told them that really all they needed was 20 seconds of courage and something great would come of it. During skits that night, after a wild day, as we were practicing our chicken impersonations, one of the kids was having a difficult time with it, it was something that was out of his comfort zone and as he was nervous he said out loud, "Okay. just 20 seconds of courage" and he KILLED IT. I was so proud of him, and I loved watching all the kids grown and learn throughout the week. 
• Chatting with all the kids in my pod during solo time. Wow I really really loved talking to those kids, they have so much character and I can't wait to see where they take their lives. 
• Tent happenings with my tent buddy Julia. Oh wow I love Julia. Who knows what went on in our tent, but we did wake up the other mentors/trail guides at like three in the morning with our laughs and we did have some really great conversations. Loved out little crowded tent. 
• One night after all the kids were in bed (trail guides don't have a bed time, WADDUP) me and Julia decided to *try* to sneak up on the boys sleeping in the volleyball pit. We failed thanks to Tim. But it was fun while it lasted. The boys had pineapple, and of course we had to have some. So we went and got some, and Riley handed it to use in his dirty hands and there were rocks and sand on it which I bit into, that was an experience for sure. Don't know how we would have survived if it weren't for John and his lifesavers, it saved our lives.
• Taylor Swift dance parties in the rain storm. 
• Standing on one foot contests. 
• Repelling station, hanging out with all the students was the best. 
• Meaningful conversations with the mentors. 

The whole week was full of favorite moments, the whole week was my favorite, there is so much more I could say but I'll leave it at that. 

May 15th. After elevation, a bunch of us headed to Mr. Browns house. THE BROWNS ARE THE BEST. They were so kind to let 20 or so kids invade their home, and then feed us the MOST delicious dinner. I look up to and admire them so much. I cannot even put into words how grateful I am to have gone to a school where the mentors are such phenomenal people who care about their students and YEAH I cannot even tell you but I'm so fortunate. S/o to the Browns for putting up with the horse masks, the loud, indecisive "planning" and the boys horrible jokes. When we got back to Rachel's house, we played on the tramp in this rad foam machine that her dad made. It made SO MUCH FOAM. Obviously we shaved our legs, because what else would we do. OH OH AND ERICA SHOWED UP. I LOVE ERICA.

May 16th. Unfortunately we had to say goodbye to some stellar people like Josh, Lilly, and Caleb, and oh man I love them. After saying goodbye we all headed to SNOW CANYON. Absolutely beautiful. We hiked to some mosquitoes puddles, and climbed some rocks, it was rad and I just love being with my people. When we got back to our cars, the sequoia and 15 passenger van headed in separate ways. The van to Vegas, and the sequoia to St. George. As we got in our cars, Riley got out his speaker and played When Can I See You Again / Owl City and him and Tim busted out some sick dance moves, holy crap, I love those kids. That night, those of use left in St. George (at Rachel's house) picked Ryan up from the airport. RYAN IS MY FAVORITE. He is mature beyond his years and I so hilarious and brilliant. We dyed Sanneke's hair with kool aide, played spoons (I DOMINATED) and ate ice cream. Such a chill, fun night. 

Elevation Take Two // May 17th-21st. Week two of elevation had SUCH a different dynamic. The first week has such high energy, it's always loud, "I'm a little tea pot" is rapped 24/7, fingers are broken, rules are broken, etc. Week two on the other hand is super chill, and I loved it. Most of the kids were freshman (70% to be exact) and so although there was pressure to make their first experience amazing, they were all so cute and I loved being able to experience that with them and get to know so many new, neat kids.

Pod One was the BEST. We had such a great group and they all bonded so well. Greg (nicknamed Papa G) was our mentor and I was the trail guide (nicknamed 'Nola short for granola bc I'm so granola and I also like granola a lot), our podlings were Alleigh, Katie, Katlyn, Jeffey, Belle, Ryley, Seth, Colleen, Rebecca, Berkley, Harrision, and Syndey (also so sorry I probably butchered their names). We did this sick chant thing and our name was Legion. Seriously so cool. When I left early on Thursday, all the girls in my pod came and tackle hugged me as I left and oh wow, loved seeing them grow and learn, such great kids.

^^missing me bc I left early, but aren't they cuute. love these kids^^

• Gear inspection with Ben. Loved meeting the kids as they first came in and loved hanging with the mentors up top. So fun. 
• Teaching the lead climbing workshop with Bambi. I love Bambi and he's such a great example to me, also hilarious and rouge workshop was the best. Near the end of the day when we only had three pods left to go, Bambi had to run do something else and they left me in charge of teaching the lead climbing workshop. It meant so much that they let me do that, and trusted me enough to teach kids to lead climb. 
• KOOSH. After the koosh championship, the winner plays the mentors and trail guides. OBVIOUSLY we always win. We spent a lot of the night playing koosh with the students and it's was the bomb diggity. At one point I dived for the ball and ended up wrestling underneath a pile of bunch of kids. The best. Koosh is the best. 
• Crazy yoga with Alleigh and Erica. 
• Nights in the tent with Erica and Masina. 
• Spence digging a trench around our tent so it wouldn't flood. He's the REAL mvp. 
• I left late Thursday afternoon, and so I spent all of free time sitting around the fire (it wasn't burning in the middle of the day alright) talking with the mentors. Hands down my favorite moment from both weeks. I look up to those people so much and sitting there I just couldn't believe how luck I am to know them. 
• When my homies came to pick me up, they rolled into the canyon, limping, and so dirty, and all of the sudden, the canyon was echoing with "I'm a little teapot" and it was so great. Love them. 

And then.....WE HEADED TO VEGAS. Stay tuned for the wonders of my trip to CALI. Such good times. 

I'm already remembering so many great moments from these two weeks, IT WAS SUCH A GOOD TIME. SUCH A GOOD TIME. Blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by such incredible people, and I'm so stoked I got the opportunity to be a trail guide (!!!!!). Thanks a million to WA for giving me the opportunity. :) 

Life is colorful, life is rad, and I'm stoked to be alive. 

it's been real

Three weeks away from home. Three different states. People I've never met, people I've met but a few times, all people I love so very deeply. Cities and towns, oceans and rivers and roads and here I find myself back in my beloved home state.

It honestly feels so weird that just a few days ago, I was in a different state on a road trip with the best of the best. Time flies by so fast, life is so surreal, and yet here I am jamming out to my tunes at HOME.

((btw if you wanna jam out too pop over HERE. okay.))

I feel like I've learned and grown so much these last few weeks and I REALLY WANT to just sit down write about my whole three weeks but I'm already going stir crazy from sitting at the computer, but pretty sure every post after this will be about these past three weeks. Anyways. It's been real.

A few reflections/thoughts on the last few weeks:
o Living in the moment and truly being present in your life is honestly one of the most beautiful and refreshing things that you could ever do. I felt so alive and authentic these past few weeks, I lived life in color.
o I feel so incredibly lucky to be where I am in life, especially to know these amazing human beings. Sitting around the fire and talking to the mentors at elevation, road trips, beach lunch circles, etc. etc. I just can't get over how lucky I am. They're all like family to me and dang it I just really love my internet fam and I feel ridiculously fortunate to know them.
o Anywhere can feel like home when you're with the people that you love. I'm so convinced that home is not a place, but rather the people you're with. Every where I've been with these people feels so much like home.
o Telling a good story, living your life in the most beautiful colors is easier than you'd think. It only seems hard because it's simply not the norm, and that's the hardest part, going beyond what society preaches you should do and following your heart and telling your story in all it's authenticity.
o I could live on the road. 100% I just love the whole world and I want to spend every day exploring this vast beautiful world. In other words, the nomad in me is going stir crazy.

Shout out to everyone for making these last few weeks so memorable, love you, miss you, see you soon.

#420blazeit #hereatpodfourwe'rebetterthanyouandweknowit #lunch #shutupmonica #legion #weedcan'tstop #riversandroads 

the real mvps

Happy National Sibling Day! Because you probably didn't know that, because everyone hasn't been posting on every social media platform about it all day.

Actually it's so nice to see everyone showing some love for their siblings, because having siblings is the best.

Siblings are basically your eternal best friends. You're stuck with them forever and ever. Also sometimes that is the worst though because even when they bring you down, or are super annoying, you simply cannot get rid of them, but really really I do love them a whole lot and I'm glad to call them my partners in crime, best friends, and siblings.

We laugh, we cry, we fight, we go on crazy adventures, sometimes we hate each other, but at the end of the day, they've always got my back, and I'm so lucky to have a bunch of goofballs to have late night dance parties with, they're the real mvps.

Love my pack of Mutts.

 ^^^90s kids represent (minus two). 

WesleighxX

positive vibes on a friday night

Hi hi hiiii I'm the worst at blogging and I only care a little bit.

Life lately has just been so odd, to say the least. I feel like my entire life has flopped over. I'm like a turtle that has been flipped on its back, my entire world has just slipped away from me and what I see is not at all the me I know, and I'm desperate to get back in my familiar world, on my own two feet.

Most times I just feel like the worlds biggest disappointment, biggest procrastinator. And most of the time I feel completely unwanted. Tired. More stressed than you'd know. And definitely annoyed. Annoyed with everything. Annoyed with myself. Annoyed with life. Everything.

But tbh life is GONNA be annoying, MOST of the time. I think sometimes we (myself mostly) just think that being happy and loving life means that everything is butterfly and rainbows and perfect but honestly it's not. It's all about attitude, positivity, and giving your best.

And I know how annoying it can be when you're struggling so hard and somebody flies up out of no where telling you, "It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger." Maybe it's just me but I find it so annoying, because WHO doesn't want it magically get better? Getting stronger is straight up so hard and it'd be so nice if things were easy but fortunately they aren't.

I'm constantly waiting for things to magically turn around and I'm just lying to myself because that's not how it works. Circumstances don't change, things don't change, it's ultimately YOU who changes. Sure you can change a circumstance and stuff but not if you're unwilling to change. Changes starts with you.

I've always known that ya know, but I think it really hit me when I was up in my head thinking about weird things and I was like "One day I'm going to have to help with Thanksgiving MEALS or make them all myself and that'll be so stressful" And obviously nothing is going to change unless I change the way I deal with things, stress is NOT going to go away when I get older and I'm not going to be a magical fairy of a mom. You're probably so lost but whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is so hard, and often times we flounder around in the moment, feeling sorry for ourselves and living in the future, because it's such a wonderful place where you and your life can be anything you want, but doing that will just rob you of the now. One day you'll wake up on that day you always dreamed of, and you'll be exactly the same. Don't let the fear of doing hard things rob you of that precious time you could be spending living a meaningful life in the now.

I recently stumbled upon these inspiring words and I'm just gonna drop this here because it fits.

"There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. 
There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an 
unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore."

- Laurie Halse Anderson 

I just really love that. Even though life is hard and sometimes you just wanna call up your genie in a bottle and sometimes it'd be nice to just wish it all away you can't, but every single good thing that happens is one little step towards a better life. The life you deserve, the life you're worthy of living, the life you long for with all your heart. 

I've got it really good, but at the same time it's still really hard. I don't want to be one to complain which I obviously am, but lately life has been ridiculously hard as I already said, I know I know. But one thing has made a universe of a difference. positivity. 

I'm such a perfectionist but I've been finding a lot of joy in the little rad things jumbled into all the imperfect. Sleeping through the night. Dance parties with my siblings. When the internet works. A moment without pain. A good solid run even though I suck at running. Late night off-roading. Sunny days after days of glum. Productive days. Yoga. Etc. etc. 

Possibly one of the most important things I've learned, is that life will always be hard, but the good will always outweigh the bad. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it when everything appears to be going wrong but literally pull out a piece of paper and write down all the good things that you're blessed with, or the rad things that happened to you in a DAY and you'll feel so much lighter. 

Postivity can be all you need in life (exaggerating a tad). Try it out. You'll feel immeasurably better. 

Sorry I don't think this flowed or made sense at all but, c'est la vie! 

xx Wesleigh 

hype

Life is crazy. Not like crazy busy. Just crazy. Annoying. Exciting. Hard. It's a whole tornado of everything. Good days, bad days, lazy days, productive days, up and down then up up up then super down and yeah it's nuts.

My life is a constant whirlwind of "I have life plans" "things are looking up for me" "oh oops I have no idea what I'm doing with my life" "I could make my own ocean with all my tears because I'm so overwhelmed with how little plans I have for any second of today and the rest of my life"

Like sometimes I am just so incredibly bleak because I just want to have structure and have a clear paint by numbers of what to do with my life. Paint number one pink, then number two grey, yada yada 10 numbers down the road you have what looks like a nice picture. Instead or my life where it's basically a blank canvas with a few colorful swishes and swashes of really nothing here and there.

But SOMETIMES I get those moments where I'm just so hyped up on life and where I get these moments of absolute clarity where I can literally feel myself living and loving my life plans and where it all just fits so well like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

Right now I feel down right confused about somethings. Somethings I just always assumed that I'd do, because it's what we do in my "culture" but I've come to realize that that's not what I want in my life, or what I need. Making the decision to follow my heart and do what I really know I want to do and the things that make me feel like there might possibly be an entire wild zoo inside me, the things that make me feel so motivated and alive and happy, those are the things that I'm chasing after. And oh my goodness it feels so good.

I'm so SO hyped up on life for the most part. I'm the poster child of hype.

I am so excited about my plans. Education plans. Health plans. And YES, even FUTURE plans. Oh my goodness yeah,I just said "future." Scary I know, I swear its like saying Voldemort out loud and you know that's right.

I mean I have no solid plans and they'll probably change just tomorrow but at least I have something.

By "plans" I mean ideas that I'm really excited about, REALISTIC ideas. THIS COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN PEOPLE. I actually told my sister that if I was not IN a foreign country or had serious plans to go to a foreign country in about a year then she'd better kick my sorry but out the door.

I have "plans" to work my butt off saving adventure money. I have "plans" of going to Africa for a few months for humanitarian work and I have "plans" to work in either Paris or London and I have "plans" to travel Europe with my sister and I have "plans" for college and I have "plans" for possible law school or sunny days with slippery marine animals. I have "plans" for the next few months and although I've always embraced the completely un-structured and spontaneous person that I've always been I'm starting to embrace and crave a more structured life, more responsibilities, and yeah, I'm embracing the fact that adult life is coming.

So. Much. Hype.

Things are coming together. I'm solidly following a fitness plan and I'm working on consistently eating like a caveman and man its good.

I know I still have those days where I feel so incredibly bleak and tired and confused, but then I have those moments where it's OKAY and my world seems as if it's finally coming together, and I 100% believe that those moments should be shouted from the rooftops (or from this tiny corner of the internet). You should recognize when your world is at peace and when you're happy. Recognize the hype, share the hype, embrace the hype.

xoxo - Wesleigh

ohana

"We never give up on family." is something my mum always tells me when things get rough.

I know a lot of families have it a lot worse, and man oh man I do LOVE my family, but we have our issues, and this year has definitely been a trial of my faith when it comes to family.

I heard someone say once, that you'll probably always love your family, but that doesn't mean you'll always like them.

I LOVE my family. Really. Sometimes I don't always like them, because of things they say, things they do, and ya know, things. But no matter what, I'll always love them.

Its really hard to see people in your family do self-destructive things and have no. idea. what they are doing. Honestly, what your family does, how they act, things they say, do to themselves, it REALLY affects you. At least it does to me.

(You know how like when your mum is in a bad mood, most likely EVERYONE is in a bad mood. It's honestly how it is with your whole family. If someone in your home is in a bad mood or something, it really sets the mood in your homes and family, but that's just how I feel.) 

I feel a little dumb that I never realized how my actions and the actions of others in my family can really affect us as a family and I'm definitely going to work on being my absolute best so that I can help to set a good environment in my family.

I feel so blessed to have such an incredible family. We definitely have our fair share of issues and often times I let them bring me down, but all in all, I really am so blessed to have such an incredible family. It makes me sad that I'm not that close with a lot of my cousins and other family members.

Over the last couple months its just hit me hard that I've kind of become distant from a lot of my family in my lifetime, and don't really even know most of my immediate family members. I'm 100% NOT okay with this.

Lately I've just felt really proud of my family, we've had a lot of cousins go on missions, and come home and even if I don't really know them that well, I just feel so proud to call them family.

I feel so blessed to be sealed to my family for all eternity. Honestly how lucky are we that we can be sealed to our families for FOREVER and EVER. So. Incredibly. Lucky.

Like I said this year has been really rough. at times I didn't want to be in my own home because I felt so attacked by certain members of my family, or their actions just really brought me down. I'm sure I've made others feel like that before. Family is supposed to be there for you ALWAYS, they're supposed to be there for eternity, forever and ever and when you feel like they're not there, and they don't love you, or they don't care, it really is not fun.

I know for sure in the past I've not always been the greatest, I've definitely caused a lot of grief for my family, and now that I've sorta been "in their shoes" I wish I could take it all back but I can't. All I can do it do my best to BE the one that is always there, the one that will always love you no matter what. Because you need your family to be there. You need them to make you feel safe. It's my family, its a little bit broken, but still good.

Right now I feel really determined to love and like my family unconditionally. I've been trying a little here and there, and it's definitely not easy, but I'm going to get there.

I think I probably made it sound like I have huge family issues, which I don't, my family is great, it really is, but one thing I know is you never give up on family, if you have a problem, no matter how big or small, you fix it. Because "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind."

xoxo, Wesleigh

life just got real

I have this horribly self-destructive behavior of living life out of focus. And by that I mean not having a CLEAR picture of what I want, where I am going, what I am doing, and WHY I am doing it. Instead I just am HERE. Wandering through life without any meaning, completely out of focus.

It kind of hit my conscious self that life is rapidly getting REAL, and by real I mean adulthood. There is insurance, phone bills, gas, college savings, travel savings that I have to be paying, saving, and aware of. There are commitments I need to make and KEEP. People who are counting on me. MORE needs to be done. Yet I just sit here TERRIFIED because really all I want is to be able to run around outside, eating rice cakes out of a wooden barrel while playing in the lilac trees, riding my bike in what I thought was lightning speed, and coming home to my parents doing all the adult stuff. 

So let's be completely real here, because life. is. real, people, and here I, am, absolutely terrified of adulthood. Not just adulthood but growing up. Take me to Neverland, P L E A S E. 

I guess I'm like 90% terrified and 10% excited for the rest of my life. Or maybe it's actually 99.9% excited and 1% terrified yet I let that 1% rule my life. I dunno man. 

Last night I was just chillin as usual and I was thinking about life and stuff, like what it is that I want in life, because I really don't have a clear picture on that. I was just thinking about people out there in the world living the dream, and I thought to myself, ONE DAY I will be out there living the dream, one day when I'm done with high school, when I've got it made and everything is great I'll be out there adventuring and living the dream. And then my sub-conscious kind of just screamed at me and was like "WESLEIGH WAKE UP REAL LIFE IS CRASHING IN ON YOU LIKE A ASTEROID HURTLING TOWARDS THE EARTH AND YOU BETTER BE READY FOR IT OR ELSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN FOR A WILD RIDE."

And again, by real life I mean adulthood, the rest of my life outside of my parents basement (because that is actually where I sleep, so cliche, I know.) 

There are some crazy important questions we all need to ask ourselves. WHAT do I want my life to be like? The REST of my life? Now? WHAT do I want to do? WHERE do I want to live? HOW do I want to live? HOW am I going to sustain that life that I want? WHAT am I doing NOW so that I can have that life? Am I preparing for that life in the best way possible? WHY am I doing this? WHY do I want it? WHY is it important to me? 

Question. Are you 100% happy with who you are and your life right now? 99.9% happy? 50% happy? You don't want to be anything but 100% happy with who you are and your life at all times. 

So what if you're not happy with your life. Maybe you feel uncomfortable, or conflicted, like you want something REALLY bad and it feels like you are a t-rex who just can't reach it because you don't have the means to (tiny arms y'all). 

You honestly shouldn't live your life feeling like that. And the truth is, no matter how much we like to wish it away is this: If you are not doing SOMETHING to change your life from discontent to 100% sure of yourself and happy, if you're not constantly working on changing it and finding your CLEAR picture of you're life and working HARD towards it, and you just keep dreaming and thinking that your life is going to magically change while you just sit here are do nothing, just making lists of everything you want to be and do and achieve while you're actually not DOING it, you and your life are. never. going. to. change. 

I am most definitely guilty of doing that. Aren't we all at some point in our life? 

But you know it's not so much the future that terrifies me, but myself that terrifies me that most. Because the future can be absolutely anything you want it to be, only if YOU do everything you can to make it that way. And I'm not very good at that. I'm horrible at making my dreams come true, I'm horrible at commitments and responsibility, I like to hide from life and pretend that one day it'll get better. But it won't unless I make it better. And THAT is what terrifies me. I'm 100% afraid that I'll never get out there and make my dreams come true, and that I'll never become WHO I really am and do the things that I really want to, and go the places I want to go. And it must change. 

I found this really good blog post, go read it because it is GREAT and it goes right along with what I'm saying. 

I actually have a lot of freedom in my life. I have free reign over my education, I can have the best education that I can give myself. I can also do nothing, which is kind of what I'm doing right now. I live in an incredible place, where I can explore, and I do just that. I am surrounded by incredible people who can help me in my life, and can be my mentors. I am surrounded by blessings, and opportunities.I have everything I need to make my life the BEST that it can be.  

My current life, and my future is literally at my finger tips, just a shapeless blob waiting to be shaped into something beautiful and meaningful, and I have all the power to do just that. 

I'll be 18 in something like 10 months. I can be done with High School in 6 or 7 months. And who I am and what I do in that time and the time after that is entirely up to me. Pressure right? I better make the most of it, because I only get one chance.

I can be out there living the dream. Right. Now. 

Already I want to shrink back into the shadows of settling-for-less-because-it's-easy and simply not do anything because that's terrifying right? It is. But I swear I'm actually going to do something this time, one baby step at a time, because life just got real.  

my people

My people are not the people that go to really cute restaurants, that new on the block that everyone is raving about just to give your opinion on it and because that's what you do, go to restaurants because it's fun and you like food. I mean maybe they do, I know I have. But it's more likely to be something like a gluten free restaurant on the harbor in Newport, Oregon.

My people are not the people that go clubbing on the weekend, or out dancing with their friends, because that's what they do, they go party, maybe get drunk, because that's fun. Or maybe the do when they're in New York on vacation because that's a thing. 

My people aren't overly obsessed with the worldly things, although they may indulge them selves sometimes; go shopping sometimes, go check out a cute restaurant on the harbor, watch the newest blockbuster, after all they are only human.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that although my people do those things, it's not their main squeeze. 

I've always thought my people were a little more common, because I've surrounded myself with them so much, I've been really fortunate to know such great people. My people are hard to find, but if you go to the right places they can be found. 

Because I waste my life away on the internet, I'm a huge fan of stupid internet quizzes. Don't judge me. 

I mean, after taking SO MANY, I began to see a pattern. Sometimes those quizzes would ask things like, "Where is your happy place?" "Where is your ideal honeymoon?" "Where would you like to spend your weekend?" "What's your idea of a good date?" ...............Absolutely none of those that you just listed, thank you.  

RARELY ever would they have something I'd actually want to do. Like, "the great outdoors" "backpacking Europe" "in the mountains" "rock climbing" 

Yeah nope. Didn't have those. 

But it was then, thanks to these Buzzfeed quizzes (my life is not entirely wasted, hallelujah) that I realized that my people were not entirely the majority, rather the minority. 

I'm not saying that the majority of the world are nature haters, not at all. I'm just saying, that those like me, the ones that would rather spend the majority of their time adventuring in the great outdoors, whose souls stir wildly in the fresh mountain air, and those who love the earth so passionately and want to see every part of it, are not 99.9% of the 7 billion people in the world, but they're not pink dolphins either (although if we could call ourselves pink dolphins I'd be 100% okay with that). 

This is making absolutely zero sense. Whatever. 

Sometimes when I'm out adventuring, I pass trails with someone. I like these moments, (only if they're not super hot and I'm worried about looking like a mess) where I can share a smile with one of my people, maybe talk to them for a bit (note: I hate all conversations outside of nature, this is true) or maybe just say hi. 

Because I like to make a fool out of myself on this blog, I'll tell you this. Sometimes when I'm out adventuring, I'll see some really hot guy. Like, really hot, okay, and because they're also out adventuring that makes them 50% more hot. Sometimes we'll have a short conversation, sometimes we'll just pass with a "Hi" a "thanks" or a smile. But I'd be a fat liar if I said I didn't imagine that one day after lots of adventures, we'd get married and have a really cute family and we'd read them stories and travel the world together. This happens. I just thought you should know, I know you do it too, don't be a phony ;) Reserve your judgment. 

But yes. My people. I like them. And I long to go on adventures with every. single. one of them, and just get to know them. I love meeting people on my adventures, so very much. 

We're not all clones, jsyk, wouldn't that be gross, a bunch of zombie clones backpacking through the winds. Nooooo thank you. We're unique in our own ways, but our hearts, in a way, are the same. 

My people may not spend 24/7 adventuring in the great outdoors, or traveling the world, although they love it so, they do what they want obviously. 

My people are those who's hearts beat hardest walking through the terminal of an airport, off on new adventures, or on the summit of a mountain. They have farmers tans, chaco tans, a hole in their pocket because #gearisexpensive, a heart full of memories, and a love for adventure, a love for the earth, a love for travel, and in those moments where their souls stir and their hearts beat hardest, these are my people. :)

out to be

Hi I'm Wesleigh, and I haven't posted on this blog in a long time, or so it seems. So hi.

Note: This is a somewhat depressing and religious post. But I promise it was written in determination and there is actually a lot of good in this post. So bear with me.

Throughout my life, as much as I would like to not acknowledge the fact, I have suffered from depression, and it sucks. While I am really a happy, life loving, passionate person, I get really down, lost, and confused, and feel an overall numbness at times.

The world is a confusing place to live. The media tells you that you should be "skinny," "have perfect hair," "be funny and witty while not being weird" "If you want to have a great body, you have to work out five times a day 7 times a week and eat only a pea sized helping," they tell you all those things and more. BUT WAIT. They also tell you that you should, "Love your body," "embrace messy hair," "be yourself", that unauthentic people are "frowned upon," and I could go on and on. They send out false images, and the billions of people on the cyber space are constantly contradicting each other and it's a really confusing place.

In the past couple of years, while being ashamed of who I was, and feeling inadequate that I have become SO obsessed with "becoming who I am" and "finding myself" and "owning my education" and TRYING to "be myself" and "making my dreams come true" that I simply forgot to ACTUALLY do those things. I became so obsessed with finding my true potential, and who I was meant to be, and where I fit in, that I lost myself somewhere among all that. I got so overwhelmed with trying to do everything that was socially acceptable and praised that I forgot that I don't actually like that stuff. While trying to find the best way to do everything, I got so confused and did the absolute worst at everything. I was so worried about being/looking perfect according to "society," and being loved, and being talented, that I forgot that I was already perfect in God's eyes, and that I was already loved by so many people, the people that really matter, and that I was already blessed with so many unique talents. It's been a strange journey it has, but it has taught me a lot.

The Wesleigh you probably know, (if you aren't a member of my family, because my family knows me pretty well) is merely a shadow of the real me.

I feel like peter pan who lost his shadow, but in this case, I'm the shadow, and the real me is out there climbing mountains and dancing through fields of wild flowers.

Though through all the pain, there has been happiness, of course there has been. How could you not be happy in this beautiful and profound world? But it is totally possible to be really happy and really down and the same time.

Right now I'm sitting at my computer and the thunder is shaking the sky outside my window, and I can't help but feeling overwhelming awe, and happiness, and sheer gratitude that I am so fortunate to live here on this earth.

I currently may not know who I am, or what my passions really are, or what I really want to do in this world. BUT. I do know that I am a daughter of God, and I am perfect in his image, because he created me and loves me so much. How sad is he, that I have not loved the wonderful person that he created, and tried to be someone else.

Note to all people in the world. You don't need to go trekking solo across the country to "find yourself'" you don't need to run off to some big city and get a tattoo and piercings to "find yourself" you don't need to, WHO YOU ARE, is already right inside of you. You don't need to find yourself, because you ARE yourself, you don't even have to try to be. You don't need to "create yourself" because God already created a perfect you, you just need to BE that person that God created.

You don't have to call yourself "introvert" because you enjoy being alone, or an "extrovert" because you thrive off time spent with people, you don't have to say that you have ADD just because you have a really active brain, you don't have to make excuses for not being the best, you don't have to say that you are a "nerd" just because you like Star Wars or reading books, you don't have to say that you are a "girly girl" just because you like to dress up sometimes and wear makeup, you don't have to say that you are a wimp or emotional because you just love a lot or feel a lot, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE UP NAMES AND EXCUSES FOR WHO YOU ARE.

I'm not an introvert, I'm not an extrovert, I don't have ADD, I'm not a nerd, nor a girly girl, nor an emotional wimp, etc. etc. I. am. Wesleigh. And I am perfectly defined by WHO I am. Just because I like one thing doesn't mean I have to just be that, I can be everything that I simply am all at once.

This has been rather confusing hasn't it. But my thoughts are confusing sometimes.

I am currently in the process of deactivating all my social media accounts that I waste my life on, this is something I've been needing to do for a long time, so I'm going mostly off the grid (with the occasional exception of email and school related purposes). And instead of going out to find myself, I'm going to go out and focus on the things that really, truly matter in life. God, others and family, and simply being Wesleigh, and just experiencing and doing as much good as I can in this life I have. And if you need to get a hold of me, good luck. :)

I wish you the best in life. I pray that you feel as much happiness as I do in life, and that you love it. And if you're going through the same thing that I've been going through, keep your head up, and stop listening to the confusing voices of the world and listen to the one that really matters, you are infinite, and perfect in every way. Focus on the positive and although in this life you will feel pain and hurt, be happy about it, because it is making you stronger. I love you and good luck with life :) Hopefully this blog doesn't get too dusty, you've been cool. Until next time. I'm out to simply be Wesleigh.

- Wesleigh

PNW Road Trip

So I have decided to post about my road trip, because I can. Do I need a better reason? And I have a plethora of pictures....and when I put them on my phone from my camera, they turned into really crappy pictures, so bear with me ;)

A little history: We spontaneously decided to go on a road trip to the grand pacific northwest. We would be gone for like 5 days, which is mostly driving, ew, and we would go to Oregon, and Washington. And that was the plan.

Basically there were 5 girls on this road trip, and no men or parental supervision. GIRL POWER Y'ALL. It was myself, two of my older sisters (they're adopted, I swear), and one of my sister's friend, and my sister's friend's friend. And we were squished like peas into my older sisters Pontiac G6 named Saphira.

I started off by getting like 30 minutes of sleep because I went to bed super late because I was too lazy to pack and that plus a whirlwind of panic and anxiety attacks and longing and nostalgia for my ocean. Therefore I did not sleep, and was singing Fun like a madman. IT WAS GREAT YA KNOW.

After we all got tightly squeezed into the car it was like 4:30/5 and we decided to make a run to Walmart, the only open store in Cache Valley to get some technology to play our music. DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE AT A WALMART AT 4:30 AM. SO HARD. Once we got our techno we ran out to our car. As I was running to my car, I heard some laughing and I was like...."Um creepy" so I looked back to the Walmart and to my surprise there were like 15 Walmart employees sitting on that patio furniture stuff that they display at the front of the store drinking sodas. The heck. THAT was why it was so hard to get some assistance guys.

Anyways. So we started rollin' and THE SUNRISE WAS PERFECT. Although I was driving so I couldn't fully enjoy it.

The drive was beautiful. From the construction worker that picked up that fallen over cone so gracefully at like 6am, to the beautiful things like this waterfall. 

And this super rainy windy river gorge. So perfect, so intense. Especially when the winds are extremely high and you have a flat tire.....and you are trying to drive while trying to talk to the auto store on the phone but you can't hear them because of the wind and the car noises and yeaaaaah. SO FUN. 

And can we just acknowledge how super attractive everyone was when they slept? ;) I am adorable when I sleep, too bad I don't sleep in the car ;) And no, I'm no posting a picture. I value my life. 

Yeah so the drive was good and all. Until we got a flat tire and had to have 2 tires changed which took like 1 and 1/2 hours and our life savings. Actually I didn't pay anything, make that THEIR life savings.

So after eating Chipotle for the first time and being totally incapable of pronouncing it, and charging our phones at Starbucks, we got rolling to the OCEAN, with a quick whirl through Portland. Like literally we got of on the wrong exit and we ended up driving through the part of Portland by the university. I LIKE PORTLAND. It was cool. Lots of hippies, and all the wild roses, I approve so good. 

After all that ish, we made our way to the coast for reals. THIS IS MY FAVORITE DRIVE EVER OKAY. Through the walls of the Oregon rain forest, with the smell the Ocean lingering in the air. PERFECTION. 

*hyperventilates* 

Basically we got to Cape Lookout State Park at like....10pm. A massive storm was blowing through and it was SO windy, and SO cold, and SO rainy, and we were like, "No. Let's go home" Because we are from hot dry Utah, and I was wearing shorts. Pretty much. Not to mention, the first thing the ranger told us was, "Oh, you are way out in the open, so make sure your tent is staked in really well and you have a good rain fly so you don't get rained on." But he was bearded and super cheerful about it all, so that was great. When we were driving to our tent site, literally everyone was in long pants and down coats....I felt sorta unprepared. ;) And some chick in the bathroom (which was super warm btw) was like, "I REALLY hope tomorrow is better, because last night was a nightmare." Thanks. Thanks a lot. ;) But we got in our warm tent and only two of us got rained on (myself and my sister ;) ). 

I think God must love us a lot, because the next morning we woke up to partly cloudy skies, and a light drizzle, which cleared up to be a sunny, 60 degree day. :) I WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE THE OCEAN I WAS LIKE JUMPING UP AND DOWN. Because we got to our ten tsite so late, we actually couldn't SEE our surroundings, or the ocean, because the view was blocked by a dune. But we woke up and the campground was beautiful. Truly. 

And then I ran/skipped to the ocean waves and danced through the foamy fingers and laughed and cried and yes that happened and oh man, it felt so good to be home. HAPPY HEART Y'ALL.

LOOK. OCEAN WE LOVE YOU. 

AND LOOK HOW GORGEOUS IT WAS. IS. IT IS. 

And there were waterfalls on the beach, and it was pretty magical.

Speaking of magical. THIS.

And the clouds were reflecting on the wet beach and yeah, I was sorta in heaven.

Anyways. My heart was super happy and content. And it felt so good. Next stop, The Oregon Coast Aquarium. HOLLA. 

Let's flashback. Left: fashionable childhood me, (honestly I don't know why those were ever in style) in total awe of the magical sea life, Right: me still in awe of the magical sea life. 

See? Nothing has changed there. I love love the marine life, and I could spend HOURS at the aquarium. I always have, I always will.

After the aquarium, as we were driving back to our campsite, we saw the results of a really really bad car wreck. One mini van was crashed into the side of the forest, and one van was flipped over on it's head. I kept expecting to see someone seriously injured but all I saw were there suitcases and souvenirs thrown out of the car, they had tow trucks there to move the cars, so ambulances were loooong gone. Oregon's windy roads make accidents lots more likely. It was tragic and I couldn't help but wondering if the people were okay. I'm so grateful we stayed safe, it's crazy to think that at any moment that can happen to any of us. Anyways. 

After we got back, we packed up and went to Oceanside Beach. Brace yourself for a looooot of pictures because this is my home. Basically the 19 minute drive was me dying of feels. Like. Just look at how freaking cute all the houses are. Can I just live there please? 

We also went and stalked the house my family used to rent. SO MANY FEELS. I just wanted to be in the house eating granola and drinking blackberry tea with my family. :( BUT. The people staying in the house definitely noticed us stalking, and the waved. I wonder if they would have given us a tour, I would have asked ;) 

Literally the view from the house is perfect and I want to buy it and live there. Blackberry blossoms, just yes.

Anyways. So after a good dose of stalking, we went down to Oceanside Beach to roast hot dogs and eat sauerkraut and explore the beach.  I was literally so happy to be there. Tears might have been shed people. But a major plus to just being on the beach, is being there during sunset, and it was AMAZING.

Climbing rocks + the ocean = happy happy happy. ^_^ 

After chilling on the beach, we went back to our campground and....slept. BUT THE STARS WERE AMAZING. And that was great. Clear Oceanside skies and lots of stars makes for perfection.

The next morning we woke up early to head down to Oceanside for low tide. Seashells and tide pools ya'll. We got a lot of seashells, and found this little guy...

(my pictures aren't actually THAT bad of quality, I just pulled them off my phone and they turned out crappy) 

And tide pools are seriously the coolest.

And sunrise on the beach, also the coolest. 

I seriously loved seeing all the houses and the sun rising. It brought back a loaaad of memories. Happy ones.

 After that, we went back to the campsite and packed up. Into our tiny car. It was FULL to the brim and it barely fit. #Expertpackers 

Once that was all done, we head towards Cape Meares to see the lighthouse. The VIEW was great, and I was having flashbacks of childhood me running through the woods there. 

And once we explored there, and hugged trees, we got ice cream from Tillamook. You might have had Tillamook ice cream, but you have not lived until you have had fresh Tillamook ice cream right from the factory. Thne headed along highway 101 to Washington. HIGHWAY 101 IS THE MOST PERFECT ROAD IN THE WORLD. HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS A LOT. Like, you can't complain driving on highway 101, it's magical ;) 

Another thing Oregon/Washington has a lot of, is freaking awesome bridges. 

LOOK WE MADE IT TO WASHINGTON. I'm actually really sad that we never got a picture or the "Welcome to Oregon" sign, I missed seeing it every time. :(

So basically we were staying with complete strangers in Washington. HAH. But they were super super nice, and that was great. We didn't actually get there until 10pm or later, and I don't have pictures of any other parts of the 4-ish hour drive because I was on my phone the whole time. :/

The next day we got up and it was nice to sleep in a house although I was still in my sleeping bag on the floor. CLEARLY, I would have rather been camping. ;) First place we headed was to catch a ferry! Whoo! We had a little bit of a mix-up and ended up waiting for 1-2 hours. Ferry lines are hilarious. It's a HUGE line of cars up the highway, and it moves slowly, so basically people just get out of their cars and hangout, and when the line would move, they would just walk. It was hilarious to me, even though it really isn't. ;) And there was this adorable little Indian baby girl that we waved and, and she waved back, her parents had no idea ;) I also waved at a group of guys chilling at their VW van getting ready to go scuba diving, they weren't super friendly :( In Utah people wave at strangers, I guess they don't do that in Washington ;) 

Once you drive onto the ferry, you can get out of your car and walk around, and it was the BEST. I was in heaven. I love boats, and I love the ocean. I didn't get a picture of it, but the water was FULL of jelly fish, and you could see them, and that was super dope.

I was basically in heaven.

When the ride ended we found this super cute Gluten Free bakery and just HAD to go check it out and buy lots of stuff ;) After that we drove to Port Angeles so one of the girls could go see her family, and while she hung with her family, we went to this AMAZING cafe called Cafe New Day. I am no where NEAR a foodie, food does not bring me joy, and it basically all tastes similar, but this was probably the BEST gluten free food that I have ever had in my entire life. So good. 

After all that we went to Silverdale, WA to meet up with some of my sister's friends at the mall. While they were talking, the rest of us went to Barnes and Nobles. Obviously. I read kids books, and bought a reprint of the US Army Survival Guide, typical. ;) I could spend hours in a bookstore, it's a problem. And after that, we embarked to get back on the ferry. We waited to forever again, and there was a jazz band playing, and I hate jazz ;) So basically on this side of the bay, you pay for the ferry, and go park in a parking lot and wait to board the ferry. Everyone is sitting on their cars, and drinking coffee and stuff, and I like that vibe. And then we got back on the ferry, and the sunset was pretty great. 

The next morning, we woke up early, packed up, and headed home. YAY. I love traveling, and road trips, but going home is always the best feeling EVER.

On our way back, we drove past Mount Rainier, I actually have no idea which mountain is which, there were so many in the distance, and it was hecka confusing. But I'm pretty sure that the sign knew what it was talking about ;) 

With our car full of sand, and our hearts full of memories, we pulled up to the curb in front of my house. We were all almost exploding when we got into Utah, because we were so excited to be home. I mean, these people are great, but 40-ish hours in a car with them and I was more than ready to be home. 

Anyways. It was great. I'm super glad I went, it felt so good to go home to Oregon, man I love that place :) It was definitely a good fix to my extreme wanderlust. Life is good y'all. :) 

(apologies for the length, and excess of pictures, and overall bad grammar, you're welcome)