life just got real

I have this horribly self-destructive behavior of living life out of focus. And by that I mean not having a CLEAR picture of what I want, where I am going, what I am doing, and WHY I am doing it. Instead I just am HERE. Wandering through life without any meaning, completely out of focus.

It kind of hit my conscious self that life is rapidly getting REAL, and by real I mean adulthood. There is insurance, phone bills, gas, college savings, travel savings that I have to be paying, saving, and aware of. There are commitments I need to make and KEEP. People who are counting on me. MORE needs to be done. Yet I just sit here TERRIFIED because really all I want is to be able to run around outside, eating rice cakes out of a wooden barrel while playing in the lilac trees, riding my bike in what I thought was lightning speed, and coming home to my parents doing all the adult stuff. 

So let's be completely real here, because life. is. real, people, and here I, am, absolutely terrified of adulthood. Not just adulthood but growing up. Take me to Neverland, P L E A S E. 

I guess I'm like 90% terrified and 10% excited for the rest of my life. Or maybe it's actually 99.9% excited and 1% terrified yet I let that 1% rule my life. I dunno man. 

Last night I was just chillin as usual and I was thinking about life and stuff, like what it is that I want in life, because I really don't have a clear picture on that. I was just thinking about people out there in the world living the dream, and I thought to myself, ONE DAY I will be out there living the dream, one day when I'm done with high school, when I've got it made and everything is great I'll be out there adventuring and living the dream. And then my sub-conscious kind of just screamed at me and was like "WESLEIGH WAKE UP REAL LIFE IS CRASHING IN ON YOU LIKE A ASTEROID HURTLING TOWARDS THE EARTH AND YOU BETTER BE READY FOR IT OR ELSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN FOR A WILD RIDE."

And again, by real life I mean adulthood, the rest of my life outside of my parents basement (because that is actually where I sleep, so cliche, I know.) 

There are some crazy important questions we all need to ask ourselves. WHAT do I want my life to be like? The REST of my life? Now? WHAT do I want to do? WHERE do I want to live? HOW do I want to live? HOW am I going to sustain that life that I want? WHAT am I doing NOW so that I can have that life? Am I preparing for that life in the best way possible? WHY am I doing this? WHY do I want it? WHY is it important to me? 

Question. Are you 100% happy with who you are and your life right now? 99.9% happy? 50% happy? You don't want to be anything but 100% happy with who you are and your life at all times. 

So what if you're not happy with your life. Maybe you feel uncomfortable, or conflicted, like you want something REALLY bad and it feels like you are a t-rex who just can't reach it because you don't have the means to (tiny arms y'all). 

You honestly shouldn't live your life feeling like that. And the truth is, no matter how much we like to wish it away is this: If you are not doing SOMETHING to change your life from discontent to 100% sure of yourself and happy, if you're not constantly working on changing it and finding your CLEAR picture of you're life and working HARD towards it, and you just keep dreaming and thinking that your life is going to magically change while you just sit here are do nothing, just making lists of everything you want to be and do and achieve while you're actually not DOING it, you and your life are. never. going. to. change. 

I am most definitely guilty of doing that. Aren't we all at some point in our life? 

But you know it's not so much the future that terrifies me, but myself that terrifies me that most. Because the future can be absolutely anything you want it to be, only if YOU do everything you can to make it that way. And I'm not very good at that. I'm horrible at making my dreams come true, I'm horrible at commitments and responsibility, I like to hide from life and pretend that one day it'll get better. But it won't unless I make it better. And THAT is what terrifies me. I'm 100% afraid that I'll never get out there and make my dreams come true, and that I'll never become WHO I really am and do the things that I really want to, and go the places I want to go. And it must change. 

I found this really good blog post, go read it because it is GREAT and it goes right along with what I'm saying. 

I actually have a lot of freedom in my life. I have free reign over my education, I can have the best education that I can give myself. I can also do nothing, which is kind of what I'm doing right now. I live in an incredible place, where I can explore, and I do just that. I am surrounded by incredible people who can help me in my life, and can be my mentors. I am surrounded by blessings, and opportunities.I have everything I need to make my life the BEST that it can be.  

My current life, and my future is literally at my finger tips, just a shapeless blob waiting to be shaped into something beautiful and meaningful, and I have all the power to do just that. 

I'll be 18 in something like 10 months. I can be done with High School in 6 or 7 months. And who I am and what I do in that time and the time after that is entirely up to me. Pressure right? I better make the most of it, because I only get one chance.

I can be out there living the dream. Right. Now. 

Already I want to shrink back into the shadows of settling-for-less-because-it's-easy and simply not do anything because that's terrifying right? It is. But I swear I'm actually going to do something this time, one baby step at a time, because life just got real.