they must go on lots of adventures

Every time I see a VW van cruising along the road, I shout, "Hey look it's my car! They must go on lots of
adventures."

A VW van is my DREAM car.

I want to buy one, remodel it all cute, and then get some friends and go on road trips.

Not only would we go on road trips but we would go on LOTS and LOTS of adventures.

That's my dream. And I am more than determined to make it happen okay.

The other day we were hauling through my favorite canyon on our way to clean my vacation house.

My favorite aunt was driving. Thus the "hauling through the canyon part"

A VW van passed us and I lit up and shouted the usual, "HEY LOOK IT'S MY CAR! Man they must go on lots of adventures."

My aunt smiled and was like, "Michael always wanted one of those. He was going to fill it up with friends and go on road trips."

Great. Yup. The tears came and good thing I was wearing sunglasses.

Those things are life savers for emotional criers like me ;)

Michael is my awesome Marine cousin. He was killed in Iraq in 2004. And I just looked up to him SO SO much. He was my hero.

Hearing that just made me EVEN MORE determined to get that car.

So there you have it.

There are SO many VW vans where I live, and every time I see one, my heart swells up with a longing of adventure.

I'll fill it up with all my climbing gear, put a surf board on the top (because one day I'll surf I tell you), throw my slackline in there along with a longboard (because I'm going to learn how to ride one of those too), lots of blankets and sleeping bags, and all the shiz.

It'll smell like coconut and peppermint, and campgrounds, sunshine, and good times.

People will look at us cruising along the highway, our skin sun-kissed, our hearts happy, and they'll say, "Hey, they must go on a lot of adventures." and we will.

Routine. Being busy. Ah Life.

I feel like the majority of my post have "Life" in the title. Which is probably true. Oh well.

Life. I don't really know what to think of it.

I KNOW what I want in my life.

I'm just struggling to GET it.

I just feel like my life is SO SO out of control.

I am always rushing rushing.

Cramming to get something done. Rushing to work. Rushing to my next job. Rushing to be with friends. RUSHING. CRAMMING. NO.

I hate routine. It is a deadly, and sometimes comforting trap. And I am coming to close to the edge, and life is threatening to push me in.

I just wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it and BE who I wanna do and go where I wanna go and learn what I wanna learn and just ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

But you know, that's not really how life works.

I've always been a laid back, go with the flow rebellious person.

Is.....that even possible?

I think I hold things in too much. Because I'm not sure HOW to deal with them, or what to do.

I mean I know how, I just don't want to.

To embarrass myself, make people hate me, etc.

Just.....when am I going to get a grip on life? IF EVER. IF FREAKING EVER.

It is 12:30am, I am waiting for pictures to download because I clearly have my priorities straight. Am I right?

Not only that, I slept in until 12 today. So. Yeah. That's great. Not to mention I stayed up till 3 yesterday.

And I work five jobs. Mostly two.

Wow doesn't that sound so together? Yup. SO SO TOGETHER.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT.

WHY IS MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE SO FREAKING HARD.

WHY IS LIFE SO FREAKING HARD.

Okay bai.

Dream in Reality

The other night. I was feeling insecure, and overwhelmed. Nothing new there.

And I was sitting at my computer, studying.

It was like 9:30, and my sister came in and said that she and some people from her singles ward were going up to the towers, and asked if I wanted to come.

I was like, "Yeah, um, probably not, I have school." so she walked away.

I was like torn between going or not. I mean, they are all "return-missionaries" or around that age, so it's kinda weird when a 16 year old comes and hangs with them. You feel? But I tend to do it quite a bit.

SO ANYWAYS. I'm taking forever to get to the point.

I was torn, and finally, I shut my laptop, and was like, "screw this, I'm going on an adventure."

She hadn't left yet so I went with her. And OH MY GOODNESS. I am so glad I did.

The towers is this SUPER SUPER cool place at the mouth of our biggest canyon, above the water plant.

It's kinda a "hangout place" if you wanna call it that.

There is graffiti literally everywhere, and beer cans everywhere. But trust me, it's SO cool.

You have to walk up the mountain to it, it's not super steep, but it takes you up a ways.

But why is is so cool? Because it's a concrete JUNGLE. And I have no pictures, because it was 10pm, so you won't understand how COOL it is.

Some people were freaking doing PARKOUR, and I was like. New goal. New freaking goal.

And there were SO MANY other cool things, but I it's hard to explain.

BUT ANYWAYS.

The whole time I just felt like a FREAKING DAUNTLESS WARRIOR (which is kinda who I am through and through) and it felt so good.

It felt so good to do daring things, to live on the edge, to run FREE.

I do stuff like that all the time. But with it being finals, it just really hit me how much I love to be free, and to wander, and to try new things, and challenge myself, and break through restrictions, and routine, and all that shiz.

And mostly, it hit me how much I HATE (strong word intended) structure, and routine.

Doing the same thing everyday.

Learning the same things.

Just ew.

I am a nomad. I can't stand that. Really I cannot.

This is my last semester here at WA. And I have really loved it so much.

My first year was SO great. My second year not so much. Which is entirely my fault.

But I did my time, and I grew, and I learned SO much, but I am ready to move on. I am ready to try new things.

I am SO ready to break free and truly be myself without restrictions (okay there will definitely be restrictions #Stillliveathome).

I am READY to become confident in the things I never have been.

To throw this burden off my shoulders.

I am ready to make my dreams REALLY come true.

No more "someday".

I'm ready to just take a step back and dream in reality.

Sometimes all you have to do is forget school, and just go. Forget routine, just go.

Just freaking go.

I promise you it feels SO good.

It doesn't have to be Everest man.

It could be running down the middle of the street barefoot. Anything really.

Just live free. Dream in reality. And be HAPPY with who you are.

That is all the ramblings I have today, didn't make sense, but that's alright. My mind is a buzz, and I like it that way. :)